Santa Goes on a Killing Spree

T'was the night before Christmas and Santa was angry. Mrs. Claus had just told him about the divorce and that she will be taking full custody of the kids while moving to Colorado. He has gone to therapy for almost three weeks now, but no progress has been made. Every morning he would wake up and be filled with so much anger he wouldn't even go to work. His 1% milk went warm and the cookies hard.

"Ho-ho-holy cow am I fat," Santa sighed as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Santa, we've talked about this. Self-positivity is the key to a healthy life. Healthy life, always nice," said the elf on the shelf next to Santa. He handed Santa a towel to dry off his beard and continued, "so how are we feeling today?" The elf served as both Santas therapist and best friend.

"I'm going to be honest, Bushy, not well. Everywhere I go I see Mrs. Claus' face," Santa replied while looking retrospectively above his toilet.

"That's because you're staring at a picture of her right now," Bushy said as he hopped to the ground and flipped the picture over, "Come on, buddy, let's go clubbing before you have to deliver the presents to all the children." Grudgingly, Santa nodded and the two headed for The Circle.

Santa was notorious for partying at The Circle, it was one of the main reasons Mrs. Claus had left him. Dequarious, the club's bouncer, immediately let Santa and Bushy in the second he saw them. Upon entrance, the two made their way to their normal V.I.P. seats in the back of the building. After a few minutes, Santa caught a glimpse of something that slid his sleigh.

"Bushy, who's that?" Santa asked in amazement.

"That, my friend, is the queen herself. Lizzo." Bushy replied with a smile and head nod. 

Santa couldn't help but stare as he witnessed Lizzo make Minute Maid Rice in only 55 seconds. He called for security and asked for them to escort the queen to their table.

"You called?" Lizzo asked with a grin.

"My oh my do you jingle my bells," Santa replied. Lizzo took a seat and ordered thirty drinks. After only five minutes, the drinks were completely gone.

"Santa, you know how you're angry all the time? Well, you said at one of our sessions that you wanted to... kill everybody. Does that statement still hold true?" Bushy asked.

Lopsided and upside-down Santa replied, "Yes ma'am I surely do, why?"

"Well, I was thinking... You know how the parents take credit for all of your hard work? Maybe, just maybe, we should take revenge on them. Kill them all!" Bushy enthusiastically vocalized.

"Heh heh heh," Santa licked his lips as he turned to Bushy, "I think your idea is scrumptious, Bush. Soon, every soul will fear Nicholas Tyrone Claus," Santa laughed. 

Bushy jumped out of his seat and grabbed both Santa and Lizzo as he made his way to the shed that stored The Sled. Opening the doors, they were met by the glorious sight of The Sled with the sack full of presents.

Santa helped Lizzo into the passenger seat because he's a gentleman and walked with Bushy to get the reindeer. They hooked the reindeer to The Sled and got into the drivers and back seat.

"Okay, take a left on the way out," Bushy announced.

Slowly, Santa turned around stating, "No back seat driving." He took a piece of paper and a mayo sandwich out of his pocket and started reading down the list. "Let's see here. First to bat, Octavion Waldschmidt." Santa proceeded to whip the reindeer and they began flying. Whilst dabbing, Santas GPS recalculated and the journey took three minutes longer, which only added to Santa's drunken rage.

"So, how is Octavian going to push up daisies?" Bushy asked in genuine wonder.

"You'll see," Santa responded, "Or hear," he smiled.

They landed on the roof and Santa jumped out of The Sled. He grabbed a present and slid down the chimney. He hit the ground butt first and a pile of dust emerged from under him. He rose and made his way throughout the house. He walked up the stairs and down the short hallway, into the room at the end of the hall. Santa knew that Octavian was sleeping. Quietly, Santa opened the door and tripped as he entered the room. Still intoxicated, Santa grabbed the present and walked to the bedside.

Whispering in Octavion's ear, Santa said, "this fart came from the heart." He opened the present and out came the loudest, ungodly smell of rotten eggs and hot cheetos. It shook the foundation of the house. Octavian's face burnt off in less than one second. Santa laughed and made his way back to the roof.

"That was cute," Lizzo said to Santa. The three continued on their crusade of jolly fun and laughed all the way. They cleared out many states and many people.

"That was awesome," Santa said as he climbed into The Sled, "that was my favorite one so far."

"What did you do?" Bushy asked, "We didn't hear anything."

"Jerry was sleeping on his stomach when I pulled out a jack in the box. When the song ended, a clown jumped out and through its nose came acid. The box slipped out of my sweaty hands and it went all over him. It was gnarly, dude." Eventually, everybody in the world was dead except for one household in Colorado. They got onto the roof and Santa pulled out the list. After a moment of hesitation, Santa read aloud, "Darryl, Andre, Bradley and Asia. My children."

"Mrs. Claus' house? Dang, dawg, I'm so sorry," Bushy replied.

"It's okay, it must be done."

Santa got out of The Sled and waltzed down the chimney. He ate the first cookies and drank the first milk of the night out of remorse for the events that were about to occur. Using the stair lift, Santa made his way to the second floor and stopped before a room. He did the salsa before opening the door and realized it was Mrs. Claus', aka Margaret's, room. As he took his first step through the doorway, his belly began to rumble. He began farting uncontrollably and his fluids hardened. Margaret fell off her bed and stood up proudly.

"I knew you would be coming, Nicholas. I knew Santa Claus would be coming to town," Margaret said.

"Why did you do this?" Santa asked.

"Isn't it obvious? You spent all your time partying with random women and never paid any attention to me. I'd had enough. You wanna know who was there for me? Bushy, that's who."

"This was a setup!" Santa screamed.

"You've done it again, Holmes. It was all Bushy's idea, too. The divorce, then the club, and finally, putting the idea into your head to leave the world empty and end you. Now Bushy, the children and I can be together, alone."

"You're forgetting the elves in the North Pole and Lizzo, sweety."

"A bomb went off an hour ago and the workers building collapsed all over them. Bushy is taking care of Lizzo. So, no, I didn't, sweety. Any last words?"

Santa drew his last breath and said, "I'm going to the bathroom to read." Santa closed his eyes and Mrs. Claus began celebrating.

Bushy ran into the room in celebratory delight, yelling, "We did it! We did it! Now all we have to do is get married and we can populate the earth just like Abraham after the flood!"

"Yes, I am so-," Margaret stopped, "Wait, did you spare a Pastor or Priest?" Horrified, they both realized that there would be no fun time for either of them because they are both Christians... and Christians don't have sex before marriage.