I am, Who I am!

The eye

'Who am I? What's going on?' I thought to myself as I watched my best friend strip down into her two-piece swimming suit. The way the sun shined on her perfect brown skin as she licked her juicy lips had me sweating bullets. I always thought she was attractive but damn, I can't get the thought of my tongue running up and down her body out my mind.
"CJ!" She yelled out interrupting my thoughts. "Why you looking at me like a piece of meat? I swear sometimes you be with that dyke shit" she said looking me dead in my eyes like she could read me like a book.
"Naw!" I said brushing it off. "I was looking at dude over there." She looked over at him then back at me with her face turned up like she had just bit into lemon and bitterly said,
"Mmhh, if that's what you like".
But thats the problem I don't know what I like. Ive always been a tomboy; playing basketball and football, and laughing in the face of anyone who thought i'd rock a pair of heels let alone a skirt. At the same time, i've only dated guys. But lately, being with a girl has been the only thing thats on my mind. I mean I've always had a thing for girls. Even when I was little, I used to dress up as the daddy when we played house and "humped" the mommy so we could make babies. I just always felt comfortable in a more dominant role. That's why none of my relationships work. I'm not submissive enough and they'd get tired of how attracted other females are to me. All these niggas say the same thing about me "I swear you a dude in a pretty bitch body". Then I walk away unaffected by their words. But if me and my best friend argue, I hurt. I want to go out and buy her dozens of roses and do whatever to make the situation better.
I've even expressed these feelings about women to my mother but when I did that, everything hit rock bottom. She started telling me its a phase, and reciting bible verses and telling me how I'm going to burn in hell. I've grown up in church my whole life so the last thing I want to do is disrespect my family. But I'm starting to feel as if this isn't a phase. Its just me.
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I watched as my best friend dived into the pool. The way she rose from the water and walked in my direction had my hormones racing. As I watched the water drip from her body, all I could do was lick my lips and think about all the positions I wanted her in. She began to smile at me as if again she was reading my thoughts.
"You still never answered my question. Why are you staying at home instead of moving into a dorm your first year?" She asked.
"Because my moms think it'll be better if I do."
"Well you can't let your mom control you your whole life" she said looking me deep in the eyes. "Its so much about you that I don't even think you understand yet. But I see it everyday. Its all in your eyes, the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you act."
"Really?" I asked but deep down I knew exactly what she was talking about. "Well how do I walk, talk, and act?", snapping back aggressively. The next thing I know her body is on mine and my lips are pressed against hers. I pushed back for a second to make sure this is really happening. And it is. Im feeling something I've never felt. Butterflies flying in my stomach, my palms are sweaty, I even forgot where I was for a second. Its crazy how I'm not supposed to feel like this about another chick, but I only feel like this when I'm with a chick. After the kiss she began gathering her things and walking back to her apartment, so I did the same. The whole walk we didn't speak a word to each other. It was so much sexual tension neither of us knew what to say.
"You can get in the shower first," she said walking to her bedroom.
So I walked into the bathroom and began taking my clothes off wishing she was the one doing it. I got into the shower and closed my eyes and pictured she was there with me. Her body pressed against mine as im rubbing my hands and grabbing all over her body.
"Can I join you?" A soft voice said. I looked over and it was her standing there with no clothes on. I grabbed her by the waist, pulled her to me and pressed my lips against hers while the water ran down both our bodies. She pulled back and held my hands tight. "CJ I been in love with you since we first met in 7th grade. I didn't know how to tell you. Because I didn't think you felt the same way. But the way you look at me and hug me. I know its more than just a friendship. I know your scared of everyone else's reaction but as long as we together I promise it wont matter. We both are grown now we can do this. I love you CJ, im really in love with you."
For a second, I was speechless and I didn't know what to say. But those were the same exact things that I had been feeling. But all my life I've been taught this is wrong. But I really love her. I know I do. So I pulled her back to me and held her. "I love you too Layla. I love you too."