With Things We Can't Have

CHAPTER ONE

THE BEGINNING.
( Chapter has been edited)
12/18/24

It wasn't that I hated my best friend's brother; it was more that he had some inexplicable grudge against me.

I, Lilian Delarosa Fitzgerald, wasn't the type to dwell on hate or bitterness. Yet, Victor Orion James was an infuriating enigma.

He had this uncanny knack for saying or doing the most outrageous things just to provoke a reaction from me! And what drove me even more insane was that no matter how outrageous his antics were, Kendall—my closest friend and his sister—never seemed to notice a thing.

I adored Kendall, but there were moments when her obliviousness could leave me exasperated. Since we met, she'd always been a vibrant whirlwind of laughter and light—a little too ditzy for her own good sometimes. While that trait often worked in my favor when it came to our little dramas, it didn't help one bit when it came to the relentless teasing handed out by her older brother.

I recalled the summer evening we penned our version of the best friend's code of conduct, a whimsical project under the twinkling stars in my backyard—the summer after eighth grade that felt like a pivotal moment in our lives.

Rule number one was especially pertinent, shaped entirely by our earlier experiences, mainly due to my impulsive suggestions stemming from Kendall's unshakeable infatuation with my older sister.

1. Each other's siblings are off-limits.
2. Always have one another's backs.
3. Be kind and understanding.
4. Grow old together.
5. Stay in contact no matter what!

There were plenty more rules that we crafted in the heat of the moment, spilling our hearts out in the soft glow of fireflies and our earnest giggles.

Now, the first rule seemed to haunt me—almost karmically. I remembered the ridiculousness of it all. I had playfully suggested we create rules after Kendall's embarrassing crush had spiraled out of control. She eventually outgrew it, or so I hoped, but guilt gnawed at me as I realized I may have inadvertently caused her distress.

Still, karma had a funny way of balancing things out, even if I was left feeling muddled and frustrated, recognizing that I had initiated our little contractual declaration. That all seemed like lifetimes ago, and yet here we were, now adults in the eyes of the world.

Which made me question: Should I still harbor these feelings? Initially, I wanted nothing to do with Victor—his incessant teasing had pushed me into my shell. Yet, somewhere along the line, the icy brick wall I built around my heart began to crumble, replaced by a confusing mix of annoyance and unwelcome attraction—at least on my part, but certainly not his.

I found myself twisting my hair around my finger absentmindedly, lost in thought. Why did these memories come crashing back at this moment? After being away at school for so long, shouldn't those childhood feelings have disappeared? I knew it was naive to think that way, but once again, uncertainty surged through me. Any rational person would consider my feelings nothing more than a silly crush from my youth.

My mother once said that feelings linger until the end of time, and I hoped that was far from reality.

But first things had to come first: my future awaited.

College loomed ahead, a crucial milestone I couldn't afford to sabotage. I was exhausted from my tireless dedication to my studies—taking extra classes and pushing the limits of my capabilities—all in pursuit of graduating early.

The strategy seemed successful, as I was on track to be a proud graduate in the fall. Most people would be thrilled, but instead, I was a fidgeting bundle of nerves, consumed with worries about what came next.