Love's Trials

A Tough Decision

Rouge's Pov

I woke up a lot earlier than I usually do, which wasn't much of a problem since I was going to have to get up soon to feed Matthew. As I sat up, I noticed Shadow didn't look okay. He was breathing heavily with a hand on his chest and his eyes were wider than I thought was possible. I helped him catch his breath before asking him what was wrong. As usual, he tried to claim that nothing was wrong and I had to keep pushing before he finally told me.

"I'm fine Rouge, really I am," he told me. "I just-in my dream, I saw Maria's death again. It used to happen a lot, but hasn't really been a problem since you moved in with me." I couldn't believe he never told me about this. I mean, I'm his wife. If something like this is happening to him, I have a right to know.

"Shadow, I know this is most likely the last thing you want to hear, but this is not okay," I told him. "I don't know how long that's been happening, but it needs to be addressed. I think you might need to see a therapist." He then told me it wasn't that big a deal and that if he's been able to handle it before, he can handle it now. "If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me and the kids," I asked him. He gave a long reluctant sigh before agreeing to see a therapist about this.

The day of his appointment came before we knew it. We decided that it would be best if the kids didn't come, mainly because Shadow didn't want them worrying about him. We dropped them off with his parents before heading to the office for his session.

I guess I should have seen it coming, but Shadow didn't really say much to start, so it was mostly me and the therapist, Dr. Green. I told her about his nightmare and, for whatever reason, mentioned that he typically hides most of his feelings. She asked me if it would be fair to say that Shadow doesn't have feelings which, to my surprise, set him off. He stood up and started letting her know just how he felt.

"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?," he yelled. "MY BEST FRIEND WAS KILLED BECAUSE I EXISTED! SHE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF ME! SOMETIMES, I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP BECAUSE I SEE IT HAPPEN ALL OVER AGAIN WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES! AS IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF FREAK! BUT I HAVE TO ACT LIKE I DON'T NOTICE AND IT JUST-It just..." He then fell to his knees and started crying. I was surprised because, for as long as I've known him, I've never once seen him cry. I pulled him close into a tight hug and rubbed his back to try and comfort him. "It hurts," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "It hurts so much."

Dr. Green gave him a minute to calm down before she told us what she thought. "Before I give you my opinion, I want to strongly stress that this is based only on what you've told me here today," she started. "Based on the information you both have told me, it is my professional opinion that Shadow is suffering from a heavy amount of survivors guilt, as well as severe post traumatic stress disorder. I also would be lying if I didn't say that with that kind of mental trouble, Shadow is not in the right place of mind to be raising children."

That set me off, and I told her how Shadow has been nothing short of a great father. I stormed out of the room, not wanting to hear another word. I was ready to go home and be with our kids when he stopped me at our car. "She's right Rouge," he said to my shock. "If I'm that messed up in the head, I shouldn't be around the kids. I promised that I would always put you and our kids first which is why I'm doing this. I know it doesn't seem like it but this is the best option. I love you and the kids."With that, he chaos controlled away leaving me standing there with tears in my eyes.