Deadpool Finds Love

Ryan Reynolds came home from a long day at work to find Deadpool on his couch, laying on his stomach and drawing on a notepad. His legs were in the air, kicking slowly as he doodled.

"You follow me around all day and I can't even get away from you here?" Ryan asked. "How did you get in?"

Deadpool looked up from his drawing. "Figure it out, Jack."

"You know my name, jerk." Ryan said. "You need to leave."

"Can't."

"Why not?" Ryan asked.

"Don't want to." Deadpool went back to drawing, humming to himself.

Ryan opened the fridge, finding it almost empty, except for his collection of artisan mustards. "Did you drink all of my beer?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. I dunno."

He came back in the living room and sat across from Deadpool on an "artistic" metal chair his ex had bought 5 years ago. If it was so great she would have taken it with her when she left, but it was "artistically" uncomfortable. He'd never gotten around to throwing it out.

Of course the merc had the only comfortable seat in the room. "What are you doing?" Ryan asked.

"Drawing a picture of my new girlfriend. She's really pretty. Want to see her?"

He held up the drawing. "Isn't she beautiful?" It was a cartoon drawing of Cthulhu, with crudely drawn hearts dripping blood over the creature's head, and a few disturbingly anatomically correct hearts which also dripped blood. One of Cthulhu's tentacles was wrapped around a heart.

"I read about her in a story," Deadpool said. "Well, part of a story. The beginning anyway, and some of the middle. I didn't get any further than that. TLDR, you know. She's sleeping in some city named Riley. It says she's dead – sort of, but our love can overcome that obstacle. There was a picture of her on the cover of the book. I'm going to get her to sign it for me. This is what she looked like on the cover, or better than that."

Deadpool sighed and kissed the picture gently. "She could be a model."

"It's R'lyeh, and Cthulhu is male."

Deadpool tapped his pencil on his chin. "Hmmm... don't care."

"You're insane," Ryan said.

"Your mom didn't mind."

"What?"

"Sorry, meant your dad. Both of them actually. It was a wild night."

Ryan decided to leave, to take a walk and clear his head. Deadpool could find his way in, so he could find his way back out. He didn't count on being followed, but the idiot stayed right behind him.

"Will you come to the wedding?" Deadpool asked. He couldn't walk like a normal man. He seemed to have too much energy, bouncing around and running backwards.

"You might want to read the end of the story before you start picking out china patterns for the wedding." Ryan said.

"You're just jealous because he's my girlfriend, or will be, once I wake him up."

"Sure. I'm jealous. Why don't you find him on Google maps? I'll save the date."

"Ooh, look," Deadpool said. "A Starbucks. Let's get coffee. I'm going to tell them my name is Captain Wonderballs and see if they'll write that on a cup."

"You don't need caffeine," Ryan said. "You need a tranquilizer."

"Says you, Cornelius. I'm a chill guy. It's why the ladies love me."