Sleeping with the ENEMY!

The tables turned

How do you give up on something you wanted so badly? I've always wanted all of my children by the same man. Always wanted to give them what I didn't have. Every woman's dream is to have that family.
The one I came from was never knitted tightly so I promised I would have my own little team to raise them up together and be bonded together so they would do the same with their own when they had children. But it didn't work out that way.
I went back to my child's father. Somehow still hanging on to that hope that it would all work out and we could give our daughter something neither of us had the way we wanted.
Difference is, I think I was the only one who felt that way. Because it happened again.

We got into an altercation and I was fed up. I hit the end of my rope and everything went left. As many times as I was the one with black eyes and a beat up face. As many times as the officers who came to my call pleaded with me to lock him up.
I was the one who ended up going to jail for domestic violence.
The same officer who entered my mothers home to give us the news about my brother, was the same officer who placed me in the back seat of his car to book me in.

My daughter, my baby, my baby.....was all that ran through my head. If only I had of listened to all of the warning signs God gave me. I wouldn't be here I thought to myself.
But there I was, locked up. Mom and her dad taking turns with my daughter while I sat in jail.
How could this be? All the times I spared him and there I was. Cold, hungry and missing what I gave birth to.

All I could hear over and over in my head was "I'm showing you, I'm showing you and this is the only way.".
God was speaking out to me and only then I realized he had to put my back against the wall for me to hear him. So there I was.....listening.
Every time he said pick up the phone I did. Only thing is, mom was the only one to answer.
My daughters father never picked up for me.
The only thing I could think about was all of the times I reached in my wallet or pocket to hand him money for what he needed. All of the times I stood over the stove to fix us hot meals. All of the times I grabbed his boots out of the middle of the floor because he was on the couch asleep like he had been the one working.

I made a promise to never go through that again, to never put myself and my feelings aside or go with the flow just because I wanted to give my child what I never had. Only then did I realize how unhappy I was trying to make him happy. Only then did I realize that my happiness mattered as well and I did my part.