Hermione's plight

Hatred

When she first arrived at twelve Grimmauld place, she didn't know how to act. She wants to see him, but at the same time stay as far away as possible. She doesn't deserve to be forgiven, but it won't stop her from at least trying.

She hates herself for that and she hates the new light she has been viewing every person around her and then there is that man... she can't look him in the eyes, not while knowing just how much they look alike, with the exception of her hair. She hates her curls now more than ever before. They aren't supposed to be on her. She hates everything about herself and the Weasleys, yes, even the twins. She hates this family and Sirius Black, but most importantly herself. Always herself.

Is it wrong of her to pity herself? Probably...

She sighs as she sits down on the ratty mattress of her bed in her shared bedroom with that wretched girl. She will have to pretend to still like her, to still like everybody else currently living within these walls.

Dinner is an arduous chore, she pulls through without raising any suspicions. She sighs. She doesn't want to be here, not with all these backstabbers. Well, she supposes, Lupin isn't technically a backstabber, considering he's more of a victim of what happened. She rubs the bridge of her nose and after a while excuses herself. She has lots to think about and a letter to send out. She just hopes that he will at least read it. But she doubts he will, what with everything that happened last year. Why did that happen in the first place and how did Harry even find out?

Hermione has so many unanswered questions. She's determined to find out what else she has been lied to about. And why. Why didn't they do the same to her? Why did they choose to include her in their plans?

It makes no sense!

...

It's only a few days until Harry will arrive. She's dreading the day more and more and she thinks that Ron is onto her.

The boy may pretend to be stupid, not that he is any good in terms of academics, but he is a menace! Ronald Billius Weasley is perceptive, if not the most perceptive person Hermione knows. And it's true, she's afraid of him. He's always been abusive with her, pushing her around and telling her what to do and how to act. People may not know but they have kissed before. Or more like the red head has forced himself onto her. She always lets it happen, because, he is her mate after all and aren't mates supposed to fall in love with each other? Aren't they supposed to kiss each other? But then...why does it feel so wrong? Why doesn't she love Ron the way he claims to love her? Was Yule ball just a lie as well? They talked while no one was around. Ron told her he loved her, held her close and told her how beautiful she was. And then the next day he treated her like a servant again. Do this do that and she never complains. Should she? Maybe... but she deserves that doesn't she?

But then again...they aren't mates, not according to the parchment at least. The only connection to the truth she currently has and probably ever will have. She wants nothing more than to at least be happy for one day and not always faking her happiness. She hates everything. She hates everything about herself.

...

One day before Harry is due to arrive and she has been feeling even worse. She's constantly using a glamour to walk around, hiding her eye bags and lack of sleep.

It pains her to even look at Lupin.

She bites her lips as she stares up into blue eyes. She hates them!

"What is wrong with you?! Are you even trying to focus on the plan? You know, you are pretty useless outside of school."

It hurts, but there is nothing she can do about it. It makes her feel inferior, weak! And she hates herself for that.