So I wanted to just write and get stuff out and now I don't know how to start it. Okay first of all I like being alone and I prefer it that way, I dont have to talk anyone or make an effort or prove anything to anyone or have to feel worried that I'm being left out or have to celebrate birthdays and whatever else. But I feel like everyone needs that someone to talk to, to tell everything to, to vent to, to ramble to. But then again I feel like that person would have to know me so well and understand to not judge me because that's the main reason why I don't keep anyone close to me or speak of anything personal to anyone because people judge and that's why I can't even express myself or be true to myself. I'm genuinely scared to tell anyone anything because of that. And I don't know man honestly. It all just stays inside me and builds up. And sometimes I feel very happy and sometimes I feel very down and sad and honestly I don't know why maybe because I'm not getting anything off my chest to relieve myself. I don't even know what I'm talking about now. I have friends and it was really good but people change, I changed, they changed and we haven't seen each other in over 2 years now so would I really call them friends. And I have other friends who I talk to sometimes and see nearly everyday but only due to education but we're in different classes unlike before so we're not even as close. Then there's my class mates, I wouldn't call them friends rather acquaintances who I have to see everyday but don't really want to. They leave me and then expect me to give them notes and use me. I'm honestly so done with shit and people in general. I just wanna find someone who doesn't judge and we can be open to each other without worries of judgement or criticism, I just wanna be honest to each other. Honesty is what I want.
09/11/22
