How I Love You | Kim Namjoon

10

You wake up the next morning without the usual warmth of your husband. You're afraid of how far you pushed him away, even if you didn't mean to.

It's hard to explain when the distance isn't a space between you, but cracks and crevices that ironically, love created.

You can reach out your hand and find him there, and he'd hold yours like his life depended on it. You can kiss his lips and he'd return it, eagerly, lovingly, and you know if he could, he won't let go. You could call his name and he'll respond with questions of what you need, and you could tell him you love him and he'd say the same thing, and you know he wouldn't be lying.

But it's these tiny holes in between - a missed event, a late night in the office, a forgotten concern, a problem not shared - it's those that make it scarier, because you don't know when there's too much of them, and you don't know which final puncture would make everything else break.

Your thoughts are disrupted with the door opening and Namjoon entering in his workout clothes. He removes his zip-up jacket and stands by the bed in his black shirt and gray sweatpants, unaware that you'd woken up.

"Did you go for a jog?" You ask, hoping he wouldn't shun you.

He looks up from his phone, a small smile gracing his face.

"Yeah. It was cold so I didn't stay out longer," he replies.

"Okay," you smile back, and he walks to your side and urges you to take the aspirin.

"Take it just in case. We have a long day ahead."

You sit up and do as asked.

"I'll just take a shower and you can go after me," he says, kissing your forehead then walking to the bathroom.

He's already in the dining room for your late breakfast by the time you finish fixing up, and you take his hand that's resting on his lap, and he entangles his fingers with yours.

Neither of you say much to each other, and you're glad that your brother's family arrives so that Ji-Hye can open the gifts from all of you before her party, knowing she'll be receiving more and might not remember what you'd all gotten her.

You hand her your gift, and she squeals at the toy piano and mic stand you got her, hugging you tightly. Namjoon hands his, wanting to give her something extra, and her eyes widen at the little telescope he bought.

Ji-Hye jumps on him and kisses his cheek after he explains what it does, and you smile at him for the effort, knowing that someone like her would appreciate something like that.

You all dress up and head to the venue, and you decide to ride with Yoongi and Jinah, given the limited parking space.

Your best friend had sent multiple apology messages earlier, stating that she wasn't thinking straight and didn't mean to expose you like that. You assured her there was nothing to apologize for, and that you should've told Namjoon in the first place.

The ride isn't tense, as Jinah and Yoongi both talk about this concert they went to the other week, and you're in the venue before your or Namjoon could get more than a few words in.

You excuse yourself from his side to do last minute checks with Aera, going around every corner of the room to make sure that everything is in order. You catch Namjoon on your assigned table, chatting with Yoongi and Jungkook, jacket now removed.

He's a sight to behold in his gray long-sleeved shirt and black trousers, and you want nothing more than to hug him tight and lay in his arms; you hope you get to do that tonight.

After a final round of checking, you settle next to him, who whispers that the place looks beautiful, and you smile and take his hand, finding comfort in the little things that you still haven't lost.

Jimin and Aera enter with Ji-Hye in tow, the little girl in her pretty outfit greeting everybody like she's born for this. It's more than the usual number for a children's party, and she knows just how to entertain her guests.

Jimin sneaks up to you shortly after, hugging and thanking you for doing this for Ji-Hye, for treating her like your daughter, and Namjoon's face falls at the words, something that you don't see.

The party continues with snacks, then games, candle blowing and photo-taking, then dinner. The guests are less by this time, but your parents take this chance to treat it like their event, going around to their family and friends, and talking about you and your brother.

"___, I heard you helped design the place," one of your mother's friends says. "It's beautiful. I can only imagine you designing your own child's party."

"Oh, it'll definitely be wonderful," your mother responds. "We'll just have to wait for the child, definitely," she chuckles. "But hopefully it will come soon."

The sympathetic smile that she gives you means something, Namjoon thinks, and it's not long after when he finds out why.

"Hi, dear," your mother catches him by the buffet table. "I hope my comment from earlier didn't sound insensitive. I know it was tough the first time and I can only imagine how difficult it is this time around."

Namjoon's heart drops at the words, and he hopes he didn't misinterpret what she said.

"I, uh, it's been tough but ___ and I can manage," he says, trying to be as vague as possible.

"Well, she's not getting any younger, and pregnancy becomes risky the older she gets," your mother sighs. "We never try to pressure you both but the last time she took the pregnancy test, I thought that was it. It would've been a good announcement to make during Christmas but maybe it still isn't time."

Pregnancy test. Christmas. The words are forming into scenarios in his head. Did you have a false alarm that he didn't know about?

"It isn't, I guess, but it'll come," he manages to say, as he looks at the crowd and finds you looking at him, worry painted on your face.

"It will, just a bit more patience, but do remember the risks for her if it doesn't happen soon." She cups his cheek as if in comfort, although that's far from what he feels right now.

He nods and excuses himself to go to the washroom, and you take this time to rush to your mother and ask what she said. You saw your husband's smile drop in an instant, and the way he looked at you looked like sadness and betrayal.

"What did you tell Namjoon?" You ask her.

"Just that I hope my comment about you two having children soon didn't sound insensitive, since you tested negative last December."

"Oh, alright," you force a smile, although you're dying right this moment and would want to be swallowed by the ground whole.

"I still hope I didn't. You know it's your decision, my dear," she says. "But maybe you should see the doctor again if it's not happening."

You passively agree and walk away, hoping the time would go faster until it's appropriate enough to leave.

It's another half hour before it happens, but in that period, Namjoon doesn't go near you, doesn't even look at you. If keeping what you'd been going through at work hurt him, you can't imagine what this had done.

The ride this time is quite awkward, as Yoongi and Jinah seem to sense the tension between you and Namjoon based on your respective body languages. Seated on the opposite sides in the backseat, your heads facing the window, your fingers gripping each other on your lap while his arms are crossed, your best friends can't help but think that maybe, maybe it's the time when things boil over.

In your head, this might be that final puncture.