Impractical Jokers One Shots

Well, You Don't Have To Get Ticked Off About It. (or: My Mongrel) Sal

Sal rolled his eyes, "You guys are assholes."

He heard an outburst of laughter from the earpiece and Joe spoke up, "Nothing new, Sal! Now pick up the flea collar in your basket."

Sal sighed, rifling through the items to find the flea collar near the bottom of the basket. Murr's voice now echoed in his ears, "See that young lady with the h/c hair? Standing over by the make up? You know what you have to ask her."

Sal glared at the camera above him, "Are you kidding me? You couldn't pick anyone else?"

The woman was focused on the eyeliner in her hand, her face partially obscured by her hair. Even without seeing her face fully, Sal could tell she was pretty and he really didn't want to have her thinking he had fleas. His friends yelled at him over the earpiece, Q's voice breaking through the others, "You can't talk us out of it, Sal just do it!"

Sal relented, deciding to rip off the bandaid, and with another small sigh he approached the woman.

"Excuse me, d-do you know if these work on humans?" He cringed internally at his delivery, though he supposed given the content of his question there really was no way to ask without giving her... well, not the impression he would prefer.

She looked up at him, clearly surprised to be interacting with another person. On meeting her gaze, Sal was caught off guard. He had a feeling she was pretty but, man, he hadn't expected this. He didn't know what it was about her features but he could confidently say she was the most attractive woman he had seen in a long time, maybe ever. For a moment he forgot what he was doing, why he was there, and what he had just asked her. He was simply lost in her eyes, the most beautiful shade of e/c he'd ever seen. They were a hue he felt he'd never seen before, or maybe that was the light behind them. She was looking up at him, seemingly still processing his words. Her mouth opened and Sal found himself fixated on her lips, not hearing the whisper of a word that escaped them, too entranced by the thought of cupping her cheek and pulling her in for a kiss.

She gawked at him, her pretty little mouth agape, "Wha-"

Q shouted in his ear, "Say something Sal! You've got ticks!"

Almost robotically, Sal repeated the words, "I got ticks." His brain felt like it was shutting down, the shame crumpling it into a paper ball, tossed haphazardly in the empty trash can that was his skull.

She sputtered for a moment before gaining her composure, "Y-you have ticks? Wait why are you getting-" her brows furrowed and she pointed at the collar in his hands, "you don't need that." Sal was struck by the genuine concern in her eyes, it was sweet but humiliating. She definitely thought he was an absolute moron. Even so, her voice was just as beautiful as she was and he struggled to focus on the task at hand. She continued, "Go get a pair of tweezers, you can just remove them yourself." Her fingers mimed the pinching and plucking of tweezers as she spoke.

He paused, she was right, but before he could formulate his own response, he was fed his lines by his friends. "Well... I got a lot. See, I was crawling through my neighbor's yard with my binocs, like I normally do... and I looked through her garbage, like I normally do... ticks." He shrugged, willing the heat to dissipate from his cheeks.

Despite the slightly incredulous look on her face, she took this in stride. She nodded slowly and spoke again, "Um... Does your neighbor-you know what? Never mind. So, you need the regular protection then, right?" She paused, thinking for a moment, "I have no idea if you can use it or not, hold on, I'll look it up." She whipped out her phone and began swiftly typing in her search bar, biting her lips and furrowing her brows as she concentrated.

Bewildered by her response, Sal turned to the cameras with a look of complete disbelief on his face, his eyes crazed and wild with confusion. The guys were cracking up, Joe exclaiming passionately, "Who IS this woman?"