Dream of Life

A Swingin' Space Age Bachelor Man

(Chapter written by me!)

If Jared had been totally honest, he had kind of been hoping his leg pains would've stopped now that he was dead. It's not like he was ashamed of it, it could just be really annoying when he had to use a cane or wheelchair, and he couldn't help but think about that when looking at all the floating photos. 

He was tired of people acting like he was some innocent sweetheart just because he didn't talk and used mobility aids. Like, every teenage boy knows what porno is, even if they didn't watch it! Why was Alana trying to pin his (quite hilarious, he may add) porno speech on Evan?

"Jared Abel Kleinman, born June 5th. A gemini, the dual nature. When Jared mysteriously stopped talking at eight years old, his parents took a vow of silence. Communicating in a strange variety of gestures only they understood, the only time Jared and his parents would interact was when they would read together fed their cats."

The photos of Jared quickly all switched to photos of cats. "They had fourteen cats. From a young age, Jared had always suffered a pain in his legs, having to often use a cane or wheelchair.  This left Jared often unable to play around as long as the other children, and was treated to the most appalling cruelty humanity has to offer: complete indifference. Far from growing bitter, Jared developed an elaborate playground in his synapses, where he became his own best friend. And this is how he became the most imaginative boy in town." Even when the pictures faded away, the blue and white dotted lights stayed on.

Perfect for what was about to soon be told. 

"Okay, so you might not be able to handle what I have to say. It can be a lot to take in." Jared spoke, not yet looking at everyone. 

"Hey, we all deserve a turn! Whatever you say I'm sure it's fine." Evan tried to encourage as cheerily as he could. It was true, if Zoe could share her French dreams, Connor could share his song, and Alana could talk shit about everyone, then Jared could share his own ideas too.

Jared turned to everyone, wheeling back over to where he had left his cane and stood up with it. "I guess you could say I'm pretty sexy on another planet. You see," he took a few steps forward and pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "I am a prophet on the Zolarian star cluster. Supreme leader of beings who evolved.. from cats. Oh, and—" he let out a chuckle. "— there are seven suns on the planet Zolair. Which means the gravitational pull makes everything harder. Longer. Wider..."

That's when he turned to Evan and winked at him, blowing a kiss. "... and wetter."

Evan felt his face darker and his arms stiffened at his sides, quickly turning away from Jared. "Okay. I would be lying if I said I was expecting you to say.. any of that."

"Woah, woah, woah!" Alana shook her head and stepped close to Jared. "What are you even talking about?" 

"I'm getting there, birdy-love-drop!" Jared exclaimed. "You see, I might just look like an ordinary guy, but that's just an illusion. I'm a swingin' space age bachelor man, the chosen one to save the Zolarian race!" Or at least, Jared liked to imagine himself as such in the stories he wrote. "And I'm sure you've all heard the legends of the sexy cat men from Zolair!"

"We have not. Like ever." Alana said bluntly. She seemed like she had given up on any hope of nothing else weird happening. "Wait, sexy cat men?"

"Oh my god another gay person." Zoe laughed a bit in surprised and Jared just nodded. Maybe they would've known that sooner if they had made the effort to try and interact with him more other than asking him if he was feeling okay.

"Anyways, after I help save their planet, I get all.. passionate as Connor would say with the space cat men."

"You fucked the space cat people?" Connor asked, knowing the answer already. He looked so confused, and Jared just did not respond to his question.

"Anyways, it's about to get a little weird in a second." Jared responded as vanished into the curtains.

Alana blinked a few times. "Are you telling me this wasn't already fucking weird before?" Evan turned to look at Alana, eyes wide. Out of everything that could've gotten her to swear, this was that thing?

That's when Jared came back out with a completely different outfit than before. Black pants, a light purple button up shirt, star stickers on his cane and dark purple tinted sunglasses. Unlike Zoe, however, he seemed to be able to mostly see. "That's when the Zolair leaders inform me about their ongoing war with this son of a bitch named Count Dogulus!" Jared paused to see if anyone would get the pun. 

Only Evan laughed. 

"Thank you Evan, for being the only one with humor. Anyways, they started to ask me if the massive weapons should be launched to win the war. And I'm just thinking to myself 'oh my fucking god what have I gotten myself into,' because I'm a lover, not a fighter! I thought I told them I was just a swingin' space age bachelor man!"

Jared then motioned over to Evan, who slowly came over. "And so I told them—" he grabbed Evan's hand and looked at him in the eyes. "— that I was just a space age man, and all I wanted to do was hold these space cat men's hands and be in love with them. I didn't care to rule the galaxy, just to be near them was enough for me."

While Evan's face somehow heated up even more than before, Jared decided to finish up his story. "They listened to my message, for I was communicating in a pitch only cats or cat people can here. A G-sharp five octaves above middle c. Peace was restored, and I returned to Earth to show everyone that if we all stopped being dicks to each other for five minutes, we could have an actually good time on this planet!"

He let go of Evan's hand, and bowed. 

"Wow, I never thought I'd see you act like this before." Zoe looked interested. "It's cool to see a whole new side of you."

"No, I was always like this." Jared shrugged as he went back into the curtains, coming back out in his normal clothes and glasses while the stickers on his cane remained. "It's just nobody wanted to listen to me when I was alive."

"Well, we're listening now, Space Jesus." Connor walked over to pat Jared on the back while Evan just continued to look very confused at the experience he just had. 

"I guess there's only one thing left to say." Jared announced as he sat back on his wheelchair. "'If sacred places are spared the ravages of war, then make all places sacred. And if the holy people are to be kept harmless from war, make all people holy."

"Did you write that?" Evan asked, smiling a bit at how sweet that sounded.

"Nah, it was the Silver Surfer."

"My turn." said Jane Doe from behind Evan, making him jump up from surprise.