All The Butterflies

prologue

Hello My name is aponi green (not my real name obviously) and I have 3 days to live. Well not literally you see all my life I have being trying to find a reason to be here , on this planet, on this earth , in this world in everybody's life not that anyone really wants me to be .On November 23rd 2016 I nearly died and ever since I celebrated that day because I'm still here but now its different I dont have a reason to live anymore.My reasons used to be family , friends and this one person but the problem with your friends been your only will to live is that friends come and go but thats just life but now Im really giving up. So It is November 19 2022 and i have given myself 3 days to find a true reason to find my place in this world I have absolutely no idea how but I know It is now or never because I am finally going to break the never ending cycle of wanting to live not wanting live being depressed being happy oh wait never mind I was just manic.Aside from all the depressing stuff and my weird history I think I'm pretty cool not that anybody notices but I do, I love going for walks In the rain for hours even though I hate getting my clothes wet , I love falling asleep to coldplay and sleeping at last, I love dancing in my room to artic monkeys and avril lavigne ,i love how that one boy can make me smile even at my worst
But somehow even with all these things I love about myself I still cant stop feeling nauseated every time I look in a mirror or see my reflection in a window and although I say I surround my self with good people they often still make me feel like shit and my friendships never seem to last and as I'm sure we all know friendship break ups are ten times worse than normal breaks ups so let me explain all of my old best friends
1.janina
I never really had a best friend till high school I was always just the girl who followed everyone around till their was a new girl I was curious about her apparently she had moved from Russia
I saw that the girls who school had made show her around weren't really including her and I had a good feeling about her so I went up to her and asked if she would like to sit with me and this other girl she was quiet at first but then we really just clicked I had never had a friend that understood me so well before that I could really genuinely laugh with. Now for some context when I fall in love I fall in love hard I just recently got other the guyi had liked for other 3 months I I soon realized I didn't realky like him I was purely jealous as he had the exact life I wanted anyways I saw this guy I already knew him in y7 I was in y8 at this time but he had the biggest glow up but I used to have a tiny crush on him nothing serious until I started to fall in love with him I loved everything about him
And nobody understood why I guess I saw the best him the way his eyes glowed golden when the sunlight hit his face the way his dimples showed when he smiled eventually over time I became good friends with him even though I was still head over heels in love with him I was trying my hardest to get over him as I knew he would never like me back because guys never like me I'm not that girl I would tell Janina everything i trusted her then even though I knew( let's call him Michael )would never like me it still broke a part inside of me when I found out he liked janina I knew she didnt like him back as she would always make fun of me for liking him but I still asked her many many times if she liked she always said no even when I told it's okay if she did I would just like to be warned before hand then one day i found out from a friend that they had being dating for like a week and she didn't tell me so yes I cried but I acted like everything was fine because I wasn't going to lose our friendship over some guy now I needed to force myself to get over him because I couldn't like my best friends boyfriend so I used this boy (oscar) as a cover up so nobody would suspect anything but the more I looked at oscar I started to forget about Michael entirely by this point I got in an argument with janina after her and Michael broke up and told her how I feel we both said we would still stay friends but we didnt she just completely ignored me and it hurt but by this point I had become really close with Michael and was now in his friendship group it was me ,Michael, elena, and ,Harley me and Harley eventually became best friends and we would constantly joke about how I had fallen for my cover up thing got a bit messy with oscar but to some it up he didn't like me
And we became friends me and Harley became so close and would tell each other everything I would constantly be at her house then she fell out with Michael and me and elena had to make the decision as to who we would sit with in school we originally sat with Harley but she started to ignore us and leave us out so elena went to Michael I tried to make mine and harleys friendship work but it failed and I eventually went back to elena and Michael that brings us to the present I'm in y10 in a school full of weirdos and my friendship group consists of me , elena , camden Michael, Winston ,camdens girlfriend Julia, Michaels girlfriend tiffany and then I have bethany who is my other friend and lottie.Incase you were wondering I am the friend who is never spoken to unless i speak first ,the one who nobody calls unless i call first , the one who if there is no room on the pavement i have to walk behind so i guess i do have a decent set of friends they just would notice if I'm gone and I only seem to care about Michael I would do anything for Michael and he deserves the world but he wouldnt do the same for me but that's fine I'll still be there for him but that's okay because I have myself.So there you have my life story and how I can't keep a friendship back to finding my purpose i really hope on Monday when school starts everything goes well.

Note from writer : By the way everything I'm writing is based on true events if you want to know if aponi finds her purpose let me know