𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 #𝟖

Dear Astraea,

In four days, I'll be gone. I hope today I'd get clarity that will keep me alive. Instead, I felt the world tumble on top of me, and I couldn't breathe. I enjoyed our date today at our wedding venue. I felt pure joy and happiness. I got to kiss my fiance in the place where we were supposed to get married. I felt your soft hands on my cheek. I shed many tears today. I knew something you didn't. I knew we'd never get married. I knew I'd never get my happy ending with you, love. I knew my mental health was going to kill me. I didn't know how long until I lost control and let go.

Mental health is underlooked. I've been afraid to talk about my mental health because my father told me I was dramatic and had to "man" up. I was never good enough for him. I never will be. The only person I've ever felt comfortable talking to about my mental health was you, Astraea. I created a haven in your arms. Each night I lay next to you, I felt my pain melt like snow in the rain.

Today was your second doctor's appointment. We were both thrilled. I sat by your side. Today we found out the sex of the baby.

We're having a girl.

I know both of us shed a tear. They were all tears of joy. I held your hand tightly and glanced at the baby bump forming. You were glowing. Your smile never once left your face. All I saw was the most beautiful woman in the world, whom I have the honor to call my fiance. Each time I've laid my eyes on you, I see happiness. I've seen the girl who saved me from my self-destruction.

Once we got home tonight, it felt electrical. The tension between us was burning my skin bone-deep. It didn't take long for our clothes to end up on the floor. I've savored every last touch. I've savored every final kiss. I even gave you a warm bath with your favorite music playing as the lights were dimmed. I made sure you felt comfortable. You slowly drifted off, and I stayed by your side. I placed a soft kiss on your hand and waited for you.

Now you're asleep in our bedroom. I decided not to write this letter in the bathroom tonight. I wanted to stay by your side as long as I could. You have your head laid on my chest. I can hear your soft snores. Your arms are wrapped around me.

God, I love you. I love you more than anything. I love all the small things that make you Astraea Alessiah Russo.

I'm afraid soon I'll distance myself from you. I've already kept one too many secrets from you. I haven't opened up to you about my mental health. I've lied. I've put on a good front, so you'd believe me. I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I wouldn't want you to be stressed. It would affect your mental and physical health. That's the last thing I'd wish for you. You have a lot to live for. You have a whole career waiting for you. I'm beyond proud of you, Rea. I always will. I've had the honor of being the boyfriend and fiance of best-selling author Astraea Alessiah Russo.

Leaving you is the scariest thing I could ever do. These messages are why I was scared of getting close to you when we were eleven. I knew I'd fall in love with you. I knew that if my mental health spiraled, I'd lose control, and I'd lose you. Now, I'm writing these letters to form the right ways to say goodbye.

I loved you for many years. I grew up with you. I don't want you to think I took my life because I didn't love you. You'd be wrong. I'd die a million times if it meant you'd live. Death hurts. For a moment, you'll be angry with me. You'll ask yourself what you did wrong or what you could've done, but I was damaged before you found me. I was suicidal when I was eleven. I tried to overdose in the back of a hospital. I was so desperate to leave this world at such a young age. I don't think I could've been saved.

You were able to stop me during my last attempt. Your voice sent a sensation down my spine. Your words temporarily healed the scars that burned my skin. You did nothing wrong. You were my love, and I couldn't have asked for a better fiance. You were my salvation. You made me feel alive. I lived for you. You will always be the girl whose eyes could light up a whole city. I'll miss you and those eyes. I'll miss your smile. I'll miss your early morning whispers. I'll miss our daughter growing up. I'll miss every moment.

I won't miss the feeling of death, constant anxiety attacks, and voices echoing in my head that won't stop.

I'm sorry, my love.

You'll always be my love.

Sincerely Greyson Allori,

Ps. I miss you already.