𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗟𝗘 𝗗𝗔𝗥𝗞 𝗔𝗚𝗘

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘-𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 - CONSUMING THOUGHTS

I'm angry at myself; furious at my inability to get myself together. I'm aware my life has spiraled into confusion, diving into the depths of unclear emotions, but I should at least be able to line up my mistakes to mark them off when I've fixed them — not just some jumbled mess of dissipating sanity.

But every time I try everything gets worse. I fail on repeat and I need help with everything, I'm lost and upset — I can't get my thoughts straight. I'm a absolute mess, something obnoxious and horrific because I've loser more than what I want to believe and I can't think of any other solution but escaping. I've made myself into what I feared, I never wanted to be so hated — I wonder, did my own mother not like me? She didn't die happy... And my father, had he left happily? Did he smile when he turned his back on us with pitiful claims?

I can only wonder, I won't ever know the answer — I'm alone. Alone in a world that's full of people to keep me company.

I was told I needed time to sort myself out, I had stayed in my room, staring, dreaming, pondering my next options. I'd only lose more if I kept walking the route of unacceptability, but how could I leave it? I didn't really want to believe I was alone but I was so aware of it — I've made myself lost and confused about everything I immaturely dragged myself into. It wasn't anyone else's fault but my own. It had to be me because I'm the only one sentenced to misery.

I laid in my lifeless room alone, no clear expression in my face to tell what exactly I felt. Regret pulsed through my veins, sadness fueled the stinging tears imploring gravity to drag them out, hatred towards my decisions heated my skin and made my nose burn dryly.

What am I supposed to do with my life, now that I've really thought about it.

I exist in a world I barely understand and I'm surrounded by people I hardly know, I don't know what to believe... I've made mistakes, but the road will smooth out neatly eventually, right? But I haven't figured myself out. Etsuko said it loud and clear with a harshness that made my stomach churn. If I haven't figured myself out, I would have no good end. Would that be soon? My end?

Part of me hopes so. It's hurtful to feel that way but a small fragment wonders what it would've been like... if I had just not gone on. What would happen if my first encounter with a curse ended with my death? Satisfaction?

Etsuko wouldn't have to bare with my ignorance along with Yuki, my mother wouldn't have to be driven to protect me out of worry and anxiety, my father wouldn't have to spend money on his irrelevant daughter. Just what good would've came out of my death? Surely my own misery would end, I'd never have to experience the loss... and nor would anyone else. The target would've been eliminated and I would never be a problem — what's the ideal of keeping me alive?

There are so many questions I know won't ever be properly answered, if not at all, but I know one thing as I lie on the cold sheets of my bed, hot drops of water finally falling down and creating sticky streaks across my skin, I knew I was isolated with only my hateful thoughts to keep me terrible company. That seems to be all I'll ever have.

Hate.

It's a cycle at this point. Irritatingly repetitive and I'm tired. For some days life goes well, I feel good — great, even — and then I have to screw it up. I'm so incredibly tired and my thoughts are so loud, keeping me infinitely occupied. I want to drop the jujutsu stuff — I still can't figure much of it out, mostly having to do with myself, my own distracting thoughts of doubt and nervousness. It was my downfall once and there's no misbelief it won't happen again, for the hundredth time.

I want to get out of the never-ending loop but I'm unsure how to. Everything I've tried has proven to fail — which isn't much of a surprise — but that doesn't stop me from wanting to... I can only feel this immense pressure wherever I go and it makes my head foggy and thought cloudy, my expression naturally turning into something perturbed reflecting I had seen so much and understood so little in a clear exhibit of my tainted features.

What is wrong with me?

————

"Are you feeling any better."

No, and I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to feel better; to believe it's alright to go on and live contently. I want to, desperately, that's a statement well-known, but contradictions leave my thoughts messily placed and increasingly distorted as I tried to keep up with them. I needed to try harder, clearly, if I'm so discontent then I needed to do better — I needed to be better. I wasn't sure how I would accomplish that, however, and I would be stuck trying to figure that out for a very long time... I just know it.

I'll fail and fail over and over again...

"Mhm..." Humming, I lifted my gaze, giving a halfhearted response to the person checking on me. I didn't bother to give much more than that, simply looking back down after my response. "If you ever need anything there's a lot who won't mind helping you..." Maki was usually strict, but for some reason she didn't seem to want to nag at my immaturity. "Mhm..." I hummed once more, unenthusiastic and barely audible — I'm not even sure I was fully aware of the fact that she was still nearby when I let out a sigh.

"...Thought maybe I could get a word out of you, sorry." She shrugged casually and I briefly glanced at her. "It's fine..." Her brow twitched and her jaw slightly tensed, but I looked away before she could say anything. "Is it?" She asked with a sternness I was familiar with.

"Huh?" I breathed out with my brows furrowing in confusion. "I hate to pry further but you're only bringing yourself down." She stated forcing me to raise my head in surprise. "I..." Trying to make up a response other than still being uncertain, I looked at the ground as if searching the different shades and tones for an answer. "If you want change, you have to find reasons to motivate you then put your entire focus into that."

"If you honestly want to feel better and not lie to me — or anyone." She crouched in front of me to make eye contact with me. "Then you got to get your head out of the doubt and pull yourself together!" She raised her voice with a demand that I could only look down on. Etsuko said the same thing... "Screw whoever made you this way! That's not how people treat other people."

"Living up to their expectations won't do you any good, (Y/N)." She stated standing up to cross her arms with a confident stance that I followed up with my curious eyes. "And don't go locking yourself in your room until the point you were forced to leave — people were worried, you know."

Maybe I should surround myself with the people who try and bring my mood up... even if I don't know them well. Maybe in the unknown there is a subtle comfort...