𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞

Astraea

January 10th, 1999

Today I woke up with a gruesome migraine that made me sick to my stomach. I stayed home today from class. I could barely leave my room without aching cramps that made walking difficult.

Greyson got me breakfast in bed and left for his classes an hour ago. He's checked in on me every couple of minutes to ensure I'm alright. The pain in my lower abdomen has gotten worse. The pain medication hasn't worked. Greyson told me if the pain didn't stop, I should go to the hospital. I was afraid that my worst fear was coming true.

I knew the risks of this pregnancy. I knew the odds. I had hope.

I felt a rush of pain ache in my lower abdomen. As if someone had stabbed me. I went into the bathroom. I closed my eyes. The pain shot up my spine. I felt tears pour down my eyes. The pain wasn't cramping. It was a miscarriage. The past couple of weeks has crumbled in front of me. The hope I had washed away. I fought my mind back so I wouldn't pick up the phone and call Greyson. He'd drop everything to be by my side. I couldn't even form the right words. If I called him, I would go silent. I tried to hold back the tears pouring down my face. My mind is consumed by pain.

The pain in my heart hurt almost as bad as the miscarriage. I felt a part of myself die. I want it to stop. I want to close my eyes for a moment and fantasize about a world where this pain didn't exist, and I wouldn't have to sit here waiting for the miscarriage to pass. I feel betrayed by my body.

Usually, first pregnancies are supposed to be memorable and beautiful, but mine is filled with pain and a piece of my heart breaking every second. I spent over four hours experiencing heavy bleeding. Once the lower abdomen pain decreased, I reached for my phone on the sink. I felt my breathing become heavy and rasping. I dialed Greyson's number and held it to my ear as I got up and stood in front of the mirror. It felt like a period, but much worse. The pain felt unbearable. I couldn't breathe. I was beyond angry with myself. I let myself have hope.

Once I heard Greyson's soft voice answer, my heart began to break, "Astraea? Is everything alright?" I took a deep breath before responding, "I think the pain I've been experiencing has been a part of the process of a miscarriage. I'm going to call my doctor and talk with her about it. But I'm certain this is a miscarriage." I paused, trying to force the tears under my eyes not to fall. I held back to ache in my chest.

Greyson took a deep breath and exclaimed, "I'll be there in half an hour. Astraea, I'm so sorry." I felt my limbs numb and dropped myself to the cold icy bathroom floor. I leaned my head against the sink. I couldn't speak. I couldn't form the right words to say. I muttered to Greyson, "I should call my doctor. I'll see you when you get home. I love you, Greyson."

"I love you more, Rea. Call your doctor, and by the time you're done. I'll be home. We'll get through this together, my love. It'll take time, but I'll be by your side."

I felt a smile creep on my face. I hung up and took deep, rasped breaths before dialing my doctor's number. She warned me. I held my phone on my lap and waited.

Her soft voice answered after a minute, "Astraea Russo? Are you alright? Your appointment is next week." I tried to fight back the tears in my eyes, but I couldn't. It felt impossible not to cry. The pain jolted through my whole body. I lost a lot today. A part of me will never heal. A miscarriage is scary. It leaves a nasty scar on your heart.

I replied, "This morning, I began experiencing a bad migraine with a ton of lower abdomen back that moved to my back. I could barely walk without feeling like I was going to collapse. Then I started having heavy bleeding. It was intensely painful for four hours. I know what it is, but I want to hear it from you. Dr. Mari, am I having a miscarriage?"