The Flowers I Need; The Flowers I Have (L.S)

The First Meet

Deep breath in,

Deep breath out,

You've got this Harry you've got this

Deep breath in,

Deep breath out,

One foot in front of the other,

Breathe

I worked my way to see my mom, it's been long enough and I needed to visit her more often, and I just hoped she wouldn't be mad.

I quickened my pace wanting to get to her faster as it had been too long, and soon I'm fighting the guilty tears that are threatening to spill. What was wrong with me, not visiting my own mother?

As I kept walking I thought of a way she might forgive me faster, and realized that bringing her flowers might help, so I pat my pockets looking for my wallet, fucking hell I didn't grab it. I look around and see a garden spilling over with flowers and a few right on the edge. I turned to make sure no one was looking and grabbed a handful of white daisies and some yellow buttercups.

I continue my walk and pluck the bottoms of the flowers off to make them more presentable for my mother. Then I pull the hair tie out of my bun to have something to hold my flowers together.

My phone ringing startled me from my thoughts and was relieved to see my friend Zayn ringing me, and I picked up with a smile on my face, feeling as cheerful as I could today.

"Hey Haz, you gonna visit your mum today?" He asks treading lightly knowing it was a sensitive subject but I just smile, knowing that Zayn was just being his kind self.

"Yeah figured it was about time I got over myself and went to pay her a visit."

"Did you want some company," Zayn asked genuinely wanting to help, "I know it might be hard since this is the first time you've seen her since...." I cut him off before he can continue and say,

"It's fine Zayn really, and I would love to hang out later when I get back, but this is just something I have to do myself, I promise I'm okay, really!"

I heard Zayn sigh and knew he was just trying to look out for me, "Okay, I'll see you later Hazza, just be careful on that side of town please, and don't hesitate to call if needed, and don't talk to strangers and-"

I listen as he goes on and on about being careful and, really, I do know that already but as to not worry Zayn, I stay on the phone with him till he's done ranting and bid him goodbye, only after promising not to get into cars with anyone.

I've arrived.

Deep breath in,

Deep breath out,

You've got this Harry, you've got this

Deep breath in,

Deep breath out,

One foot in front of the other,

Breathe

I chuckle, seems ironically repetitive but what can I say other than it helps calm me down? A few more deep breaths and I'm pushing the gate open and taking steps down the cement walkway trying to wrap my mind around what I'm doing and all too soon my mum's residence is right in front of me before I burst into tears.

I kneel in front of her not knowing what to even say so I don't say anything at first, just sit there and cry, tracing the words written in stone, her name, her years, and finally the words I picked that I thought encased her as a human, 'why can't we all just treat each other with kindness?'

I took a deep breath to stop my tears and wiped them away, before speaking.

"Hey mum, I'm sorry it's been so long, yeah I know I said I'd visit soon I've just been busy. Actually, I wasn't too busy, yeah I know you know that I'm sorry, but I brought you flowers to try to make up for lost time, yes mum I'll visit more often I promise, for real."

"No mum I don't have anyone special yet and I would tell you if I did, I promise. NO! Mum you know I'm gay, plus even if I did adopt you're not getting any grandkids anytime soon from me. But in other news, I think Gemma found someone special, she giggles and smiles at her phone more and more, and she has been going out a lot soooo..... if you want grandkids ask her next time she visits!"

"Yeah Zayn's doing good mum, he was as shaken as I was after you died though, he thought of you as his second mother y'know, he loved you and I do too! I hope you know that mum. I really hope you know that!"

I stayed and talked with her for about an hour. I realized I probably looked crazy talking to a grave but I didn't care. I wanted to talk to my mum. I stayed until I saw the time and realized the day was slipping away and I promised to hang out with Zayn. I walked back home the way I came after texting Zayn. I was headed back and was much more at peace than when I first walked to the cemetery. I could finally feel the weight of the guilt life off my shoulders and everything was fine.

If I only saw the man staring at me through the window of the house I took flowers from, watching me walk back with a curious expression....

Hey loves sorry about not having regular updates on the other book, I just have no motivation for that one book, but I do for this new idea, so stick with me and I'm sure you'll love it (hopefully) love you all and have a happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate and have a great day, week, and month!💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚