Phantom Limbs: A Spicy Ghost Story

Chapter 6

And so we waited. Every day, Johan lived his life and I shadowed him, except when he went to work. For whatever reason, even though I could effortlessly pass through the walls of the apartment, I could never seem to leave the place. Still, I felt like I'd gone with him, because Johan would tell me all about his day in detail. Sometimes too much detail, to the point where it got boring. I started to wonder if I had also been a cashier at Whole Foods in my past life. I could imagine it so vividly whenever he described his workdays.

Our love grew, as well. We slept together every single night, usually just cuddling, but sometimes going beyond. Johan loved me better as a ghost than anyone had loved me when I was alive and I experienced that love to the fullest extent that I could. Still, sometimes, I couldn't help but wish that I had actually been alive. If only I hadn't died, maybe I could've lived to actually meet Johan, or at least someone like him. Our lives were only 8 years away from overlapping. So much could've changed for me in that time.

Yet, paradoxically, I probably wouldn't have crossed paths with Johan if I hadn't been a ghost, or if the circumstances had been any different at all. He rarely left the apartment except to go to work. He did occasionally go out with friends, but not very often. And, while I didn't remember my life very well, one thing I was certain of was that I wouldn't have been able to afford to shop at Whole Foods. This apartment, where life and death converged, was probably the only place I could've actually met Johan. Despite the inconvenience of our mismatched bodily states, I was relieved that our timelines had at least crossed.

Weeks passed, then months. Summer and Autumn came and went. Each day, Johan and I grew closer. I continued to feel alive in the way that a hologram was alive – my body would flicker in and out of my view. But Johan never saw me – at least, not next to him. He'd set his laptop wallpaper to a photo of me before I died. Seeing my own smiling face every day felt strange, but not in a bad way. It was nice to be remembered, and the fact that he remembered me somehow helped me remember myself.

One day, in Winter, it started snowing. I trailed Johan through the apartment as he looked through the various second-story windows, watching in childlike awe as the white shiny powder fell softly to the ground below.

"It never snows here," he said, turning to me with an ecstatic expression on his face. "Did it snow while you were alive?"

He then followed me into the kitchen and watched me write SOMETIMES on the fridge.

"Did you like it?"

YES.

"I love it. This is perfect weather to stay inside. Let's watch some TV and stay cozy."

Johan pulled a chunky knitted brown blanket out of his linen closet and sat on the couch. He made sure to leave some out for me, and I put the blanket over my ghostly form.

All those nights when we'd either slept together or "slept together", I'd never actually seen how the fabric of the blankets sat over my ghostly form. But, even though I was incorporeal, I noticed on the couch that the fabric did indeed bulge out right where I was sitting. Noticing that made me feel even more real and less flickery than before.

"I love that I can see you under blankets," said Johan, resting his hand on what would've been my thigh.

I loved it, too.

Johan flicked the TV on and went to YouTube. Right there, on the front page, Bonnie Storm's face looked out at us from the thumbnail of a video titled NEW INFORMATION! Noa Bones Case Update.

"Holy fuck," said Johan. "You ready to watch this?"

I tapped his arm once for yes.

Johan selected the video.

"Hello everyone and welcome back to my channel. My name is Bonnie Storm and today, I have a case update for Noa Bones. If you don't remember their case, I'll link my video about it in the description below, so watch that for more information. I know I made it a few years ago, so you may want to get a refresher before you continue with this case update.

"Basically, Noa Bones was a nonbinary person who died under mysterious circumstances in their apartment in 2012. At the time when I made that video, there was some doubt about whether the case was a suicide or whether Noa was murdered by their live-in boyfriend, Seth. The case went unsolved for eight years without a lot of new information coming in. However, recently, someone called in an anonymous tip with an extremely important piece of information about the case."

I clung to Johan. It worked, I thought. People will know the truth.

"This is where it gets kind of wild," said Bonnie, grinning. "We all have internet friends, right? I'm friends with a handful of other small true crime YouTubers. Do any of you remember LiveJournal? Basically, LiveJournal is an internet-based journaling platform that was really popular back, well, around the time of Noa Bones' death. I never used it, myself, but I've done some research and it seems that LiveJournal is a community that brings people together from all over the world. The tip was anonymous, so we don't know who it came from or where in the world they live, but what we do know is that this person was LiveJournal friends with Noa Bones. The anonymous tipster was able to remember the username Noa used on LiveJournal and directed authorities on how to find it. Well, it turns out that Noa's last entry was actually on the day of their death, April 2nd, 2012. And that last journal entry...does appear to have been a suicide note."

I wanted to scream. I even tried, but I couldn't. Instead, I just thought super hard:

YES! YES! YES! YES!

Bonnie Frost then read my last LiveJournal entry in its entirety. I looked beside myself and saw tears streaming down Johan's face. I wanted nothing more than to reach up and brush them away, but all I could do was give him a chill as I tried.

"Thank you," he whimpered. He turned to face me. His face was red and blotchy as he sniffed. "I'm sorry, it just...affects me. Every time I realize how much pain you were in when you died, I feel so awful. You deserved so much better in life, Noa. Ghosty. Honey. Whatever you want to be called."

Just then, the usually dim living room filled up with light. The glow emanated from what appeared to be a crack within space and time itself.

I leaned forward to Johan's laptop and opened Word before typing:

Johan, I see the light. My loose ends have been tied up.

"What's this?" he asked, leaning over to look at the screen. He read before he turned to face me. "Damn, I knew this would happen. Ghosty...I don't want you to leave. But I do want you to be at peace. What do you want to do?"

The light was calling to me. I felt as if I was being physically pulled towards it. The light was so bright and intense, I couldn't even possibly describe it. It was less of something I could see and more of something I felt – immense warmth, immense peace, the burning of every desire I'd ever had. As deeply as I loved Johan, and as grateful as I was to him for having kept me company and solved my mystery...it's not that I wanted to leave him. It's more that the light wanted me.

And as good of a time as I'd had with Johan, the more intense my memories of my previous life had gotten, the more I realized I did, actually, want to start fresh. I did want to undergo a hard reset and to go on to whatever was awaiting me on the other side of the light. And that desire was stronger than anything I could've felt for my human companion.

Thank you for everything, I typed. I appreciate you. I love you. I'm going into the light.

Remember me. If I get to choose my next form, I'm coming back as a moth.

Goodbye, Johan.

Tears streamed down Johan's face once more, but I could barely even see him. The light was blinding, blocking everything else out with its astonishing rays. Before I knew it, I lost control. I gave way to the all-consuming cleansing of the light. I watched my entire life play out before me, but not in images – more in feelings. From the confusion and curiosity of youth to the disillusionment and depression that began in my teenage years and only grew throughout my young adulthood, I felt it all. It felt as if I was taking a long, warm bath, being completely cleansed of the entirety of my past life. I was being dismantled and prepared for whatever was to befall me.

And then...

There was nothing.