𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 #𝟗

Dear Astraea,

Each day has felt heavier. It feels like the rain hasn't stopped pouring over me. One day I'll drown in my sorrows. I know masking my mental health is wrong, but it's all I've ever been taught. I don't know how to talk about my emotions. It's easier to put my thoughts and feelings into a song.

I've written thousands of unreleased songs. Half of what I've written to you. The other half is full of how my mental health has affected me. I've put my heart and soul into every word written on paper. I've shed many tears while writing songs. You've sat with me while I've let out my emotions onto paper. You've never left my side once. You've given me the most incredible life. I've achieved things that I never believed I could ever accomplish.

Today I woke up in your arms. I felt your soft kisses warm my neck. I felt your light words breathe air into my lungs. Your voice felt like a soft blanket being put over my heart. I remind you each day how breathtaking you are. I'm lucky to wake up each morning to see your beautiful eyes. I never thought that the girl who'd tutor me for hours a day would be my fiance.

I've felt distant from you, and I'm sorry. My apologies won't mean shit now, but I know you, Rea. You deserve reassurance that everything will be alright. You loved every moment I'd sneak behind you, kiss the side of your neck, and whisper, 'I love you in your ear. You had a lot of trust issues. You were afraid that you weren't enough for me. Your father made you feel hopeless and empty inside. You told me on your thirteenth birthday that I filled the void that your father created.

I saw potential in you when we met. You were outgoing, and you outsmarted me in every way. You'd have a response to every comment I'd make. I love you, Rea. You have a spark that I fell in love with.

Astraea, loving you has been the most extraordinary thing in the world. You have a beautiful voice that can continue performing concerts and writing books that'll change the world. You have become such an amazing young woman, and I've been lucky to grow up with you. I went to every performance when you used to sing at birthday parties and weddings. You published multiple books and became a best-selling author. I'm sorry for leaving you so early. I know you'll do amazing things and continue growing every single day.

I've felt the air sucked out of my lungs for many years. It has never caught up to me until now. I've suffered from severe anxiety that has consumed my life. I've felt trapped in my mind since I was a kid. Once I started having anxiety attacks, I felt my body go numb, and I couldn't breathe. I thought I was dying for a moment. My anxiety attacks became less frequent while I was with you. I felt alive. You were a blanket that silenced the voices that corrupted my mind.

Earlier last year, my anxiety attacks returned. They were horrible. I'd sit on the bathroom floor, frozen in place, waiting for it to pass. You noticed my anxiety attacks a week after they began. You'd sit next to me and hold my hand. You'd lean your head on my shoulder and wrap your arm around me. You'd wrap your arms around me until it was over. You'd cry with me. You'd make the pain melt away slowly.

I have taken different types of medication to reduce anxiety attacks and monitor my stress levels. Some of them worked, but none were enough to stop the echoing voices in my head. I had horrific migraines and depression from my mom. I never was able to find a way to live without the pain and the thoughts of dying.

I knew if I died, then I wouldn't have to live with the pain. I'd be pain-free. You're probably wondering when my suicidal thoughts returned, but if I'm being honest, I don't think they ever left my mind.

I'm sorry, Rea.

I let you down. You deserve better than me. One day you'll find peace with my death.

Sincerely Greyson Allori,