you can hear it in the silence

chapter six

**tw**
mentions of death, cancer and anxiety
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Adare ༉‧₊˚✧.*

Today is October 6th.
Thursday, so it's time to start out paper.
But it's also still October 6th.

It's almost the anniversary of my mom's death.
October 9th is when she passed. I still remember it like it was yesterday.

The weeks before her body started deteriorating even faster, and you could physically see it.

Going to school was hard, I missed a bunch of days leading up to her death and then even more after.

This will be three years.

I hate the days leading up to this time every year, but for some reason this year I feel even more dread in the pit of my stomach.
Almost like the past two years were trial runs.

It's like yeah, you lose someone and the first year everyone understands, it's okay to be grieving.

The second year is when you start moving on, that way by the time the third and fourth and fifth and sixth years roll around, you're no longer mourning.

But this year feels different.

I should be feeling better.
I should stop missing her as much, but this year, it almost feels worse.

It's like this is the first year it really really feels real.
My mom actually died, and she's not coming back.

And more years are going to keep passing by.

I've had a panic attack on one of the days leading up to the anniversary of her death both years, and I really thought this one was going to feel different.
I wanted it to be different.

But now I'm not so sure.

"Wellsy?"
I hear and am suddenly pulled away from my thoughts and faced with a dark, messy haired Wes in a navy blue hoodie.

I blink a couple of times and don't say anything back because I forgot I was in the library for a minute.

"You okay?" He asks, sounding almost genuinely concerned.

I swallow and sharply move my mom to remind myself I'm awake right now.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm great," I say while moving to turn on my computer.

He still hasn't stopped staring at me and he brows are lightly scrunched together, seeing right through my bullshit.

"You're really pale, you sure? If you get me sick Wellsy we're gonna have a problem," he says back.

"Oh you're so noble, Wes. Gotta stay healthy for the ladies?" I say mocking him.

"Exactly," he draws out as he sits down in the chair in front of me.

I do feel a little dizzy though, there's a lot going on.

"I'm gonna go fill up my water before we start," I say walking off and he's looking at his computer.

Breathe, Adare, just breathe.

You've been through two of her death anniversaries before.
This one isn't going to be any worse, I remind myself as I'm walking over to the water fountain.

This year will be different.
Better different.

I make one last deep exhale before heading back to the table.

Walking to the side of the table, Wes looks up.

"What are you wearing?" He asks with his eyes slightly widened like I have on a clown suite.