The deep end

I wish the ground would open up underneath me

swallowing me into its dark depths

I don't understand simple things like emotions or jokes

I don't even understand myself. Not who I am, or anything

I feel like I'm suffocating under the sand and pressure of society and my own expectations

I'm trying to make myself better and when I get there I slip on a mossy rock and fall down until I can manage to barely catch myself by my fingertips

My strength waning. My mind slipping. I try and figure out how to fix it to redo the past and make up for my mistake. Hating myself internally for slipping on that damn rock. 

I have hurt countless people around me and they rarely. if. ever. hurt me. I feel like in comparison to them I am a jabbing knife. Plunging into their abdomen and twisting myself deeper and deeper into them. 

It's funny because when the other person is in charge of me they seem to know exactly who they are and what they want. This side of me that I'm in currently cannot even look at myself in the mirror. They are trapped inside a body that they don't recognize. Maybe that's better that way.

Maybe being unrecognizable is for the better. Not for myself but for others. If other people don't recognize me I wouldn't have had to go through everything that I did. Probably not that thing that forced me to change but something. That's what we can hope right?

I am at the point where I don't want to do anything. Not go to practice not watch anything on youtube or listen to any happy music. I just kinda want to lay on my bed and let the waves take over. Not in the way where I die there but I stop fighting it and just let it wash over me. The thoughts the feelings, the pain. All of it. I'm too tired to beaten down to sit here anymore and deal with everything going around me. I'm trying to be happy or at least seem so around the people I care about or im with. Just so they don't ask questions or feel bad for me. But at this point, there is way more of me that wants to cave in rather than fight.

The thing is I know I have to continue fighting. Wars are not won by giving up they are won by being persistent. I have to win the war not for my sake but for his.  If nothing else I want him to be happy and I know one of the only ways I can do that is by also being happy or at least pretending to. You know what they say. Fake it till you make it. I can't help but think though. Can you truly fake everything until you make it? Can you even make yourself be happy?

What is happiness? I mean truly? I'm not sure I've ever experienced it. I've experienced fun, sadness, depression, anxiety, love, joy, heartbreak, excitedness, and other emotions but I'm not sure I've ever experienced happiness. Sure joy and happiness are close but it was more of yay I got a new stuffy or I get to hang out with him today. Even if one did consider them the same thing it was never for long. It was a short thing ruined by something less than wantable. How does one even identify happiness? I mean when we are a baby we are told that happiness is when someone feels good and is smiling. But does it still mean the same as we get older? To be honest...it does not. Not a bit because people experience different things and labels than being happy. For example, a man who loves to get drunk and has the most fun and "happiness" would have a different view than someone who rides horses and enjoys spending time with them. The word happy is meant to classify one set of emotions or feelings but those could look different for each person. Do I believe happiness is achievable? Maybe. It depends on whose definition. If we take the different definitions out and go with the "standard" version of happy which would be, "feeling or showing pleasure or contentment," perhaps. I believe it may be achievable with others but not me. It's not like I would know the feeling anyway. I wouldn't know how to point it out. I don't think that I've ever really been happy. I feel an overwhelming joy and excitement when I'm with him among many other things. Would that count or would it count as overwhelming joy? I wouldn't think it meant full-on tsunami-type happiness. I think happiness is a lake of water. Deep but not infinitely and also contained not spewed out everywhere.