𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 #𝟏𝟎

Dear Astraea,

I love you. Every morning for the past ten days, I've seen a beautiful smile across your face. I love that smile. I feel a light spark inside my chest whenever I see you. I know time is an essence that is cut short. My time with you felt surreal. When you were with me. I didn't feel like I was suffocating. For once, I felt my life have meaning. You showed me a part of myself that I never knew I had.

We fought. We had our ups and downs. We lost a lot. We suffered, but we always came out on the other side. I'm forever in your debt for the life you've given me.

I never knew how hard parting from you would be. I think I'll always miss you, Rea. I felt safe in your arms. You taught me how to love. I never understood how to love. I guess that explains why I'd push you away. I never thought you'd love someone who was damaged. I was drained and aching, and you still chose me. I was in denial. I didn't believe anyone would see my flaws and still love me. Astraea, you saw me when I faced death and pulled me out of death's arms. At eleven, you saved me and made me whole again.

I've never felt the type of love with anyone besides you. My heart is tied to your soul. I've fought every day so one day I could get better and live with you. I'm never going to get better. I can't be fixed. I can't breathe. I can't think without feeling consumed and alone with my thoughts. I've learned that depression and anxiety can be very lonely, even with people around you. Rea, you've held me together throughout my mental health. You've made the pain hurt less. You've put a bandage on the scars I've had over my body, but the thing about bandages is that they aren't a permanent fix.

One day the bandage will fall off, and I'll bleed out. The clock will stop, and so will my heart. I know how hard it is for you to read this. I never wanted you to experience this pain, and I don't want you to think I'm selfish. I love you more than anything in this world, and I'd do anything to remove this pain you're enduring. You may hate me for a while, but I'll always love you. Don't feel guilty for feeling angry because that's normal. It's okay not to be okay, Rea. You taught me that. You made me believe that our emotions are a crucial part of our being, and we should embrace them.

In my following message, I'll be saying goodbye to the love of my life, my extraordinary fiance, my angel, my happiness, my lifeline, and my savior who saved me more than I deserved.

The last message for you in two days will be my vows. I will be breaking these vows that same day, but I mean every word I have written for you. I've broken your trust without you knowing. I've kept secrets from you that I am confessing to you now in these messages. I've been mentally drained, and I've continued to put a bright smile on my face and told you everything was alright when I felt like I was dying. Now you're reading my death messages. You're wondering what you could've done to save me, but I need you to know that I don't want to be saved.

I want it to end. I want my heart to stop. I don't want to fight anymore.

Before I die, I wanted you to know why I took my life because you will need closure. When our daughter is born, I want you to tell her that I love her. I wish I could be there to see her when she arrives. I bought gifts for you and her for when she's born. I set up the nursery. I wish, more than anything, I could be strong enough to marry my fiance and watch my daughter grow up. I want to take my wife and daughter ice skating in the winter. I want to spoil you. I want to live without fighting a mental battle that won't leave me alone.

I'm sorry.

I love you, my angel, and I love our little girl.

Sincerely Greyson Allori,