𝐔𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞

Greyson

December 31st, 2003

I've been prepared to propose to Astraea for the last couple of months.

I plan on asking the question tonight before my closing song at the T.D. Garden. I've lived with the constant fear that she'd say no. I've always been afraid that one day I'll be too much for Rea, and she'll leave.

I've lost a lot of people in my life. My mom died. My dad left. Any friends I had treated me like a lost cause. The words I've heard come out of anyone's mouth, "If your mental health is as bad as you claim it is, then why don't you kill yourself? Then you'll stop complaining."

Those words broke a part of my soul. I felt my life suffocate me. Those words are the reason I never opened up to people. I built a barrier and isolated myself. Only one person has ever broken the barrier.

Astraea Russo.

She put my soul back together. She's the woman I want to marry. I want her by my side always. She's my everything. Whenever I'm anxious, she sits by my side and whispers sweet words in my ear to calm me down. She always knows the right words to say. I've never been good at communicating.

My father would discipline me physically for speaking unless spoken to. He had strict rules for his home. Limitations that were abusive and led to my lack of love, touch, emotion, affection, and communication. He took that away from me, and Astraea gave it to me without knowing.

I felt pulled out of my thoughts as a pillow was thrown at me. I glanced up to see Blaire with her arms folded, leaning against the doorframe. She asked, "Are you nervous?" I stood up and raised my left eyebrow slightly. I answered, "With the concert? Of course not. I've done hundreds of these."

Blaire chuckled and rephrased her question, "Let me rephrase the question. Are you ready for the proposal?" I lightly laughed. I was both ready and mortified. I've never felt scared to go on stage since my first concert. I replied, "I'm scared shitless. I'm proposing to her in front of over a thousand people. Astraea loves extravagant events. She's extroverted. We're opposites, but it feels like we were drawn together.

I felt my heart begin to race. I gripped the doorframe across from Blaire. I tried to catch my breath. Blaire placed her hand on my shoulder and gently rubbed my back. She reassured me, "You'll be alright. I doubt Rea will say no. You both have gone through a lot, and the proposal will be amazing. When she says yes, Roman and I will begin pitching in for your wedding. We're almost as excited as you."

Tears began to fill my eyes. My lungs felt like they were being suffocated. I've experienced many panic attacks. They consume my whole body. I felt like a stranger in my body. It's an awful feeling I'd never wish upon anyone. My vision became blurry. Blaire wrapped her arms around me tightly so I wouldn't fall. Her voice was mumbled. I couldn't decipher the words she was saying.

Blaire brought me to the sofa in the middle of the room. She sat me down, and her voice became audible. I heard her say, "Greyson? Are you alright?" I never knew how to answer that question. I didn't understand why I'd get these panic attacks. I want to propose to Astraea. I'm not afraid of getting on the stage and performing.

I answered, "I'm fine. Just nervous. I'll be alright. I should see Rea before I go on stage. Thank you, Blaire." I stood up and began to walk towards the door until Blaire asked, "Why'd you thank me?"

I turned around. I responded, "You caught me when I had a panic attack. I owe you." She smiled and confessed, "Then you're welcome. You'll do great tonight."

Blaire has kept an eye out for me. She understands what it's like to contemplate life. She taught me a lot. Blaire has been a sister to me since she and Roman got close.