Loving you is hard

Chcapter 39

Meredith

I never fell asleep but Derek did. he's been asleep for a while now. in the meantime while he slept I painted my nails, finished reading my book and finished some homework.

I feel a bit of stirring next to me. I look over at Derek and feel him stir a bit more.

"Meredith?" I hear him say.

"Yes, I'm right here," I tell him as I put my hand on his arm, rubbing softly.

"what time is it, how long have I been asleep?" he asks as he turns over and presses his face into my stomach.

"you've been asleep for a few hours, maybe three or four hours at the most," I say.

"did you fall asleep too?" he asks.

"No, I've been awake the entire time you were asleep," I say.

"then what were you doing the entire four hours I was asleep for?" he asks.

"I kept myself busy, I finished up some homework and some other things, I also went through your things, your closet, your drawers, your bathroom. you have a lot of hair products for a guy, more than I do, is that what you're always doing in there after you shower?" I ask as I lay next to him and run my fingers through his hair.

"Yes, it's takes a lot of hard work and money to get hair this good," he smiles for a bit before it fades quickly.

"Hey," I say holding his face in my hand.

"what's wrong?" I ask softly.

"it's nothing, really, it's nothing, I'm fine," he tells me.

"Derek, you're not fine, you don't look fine. what's wrong, what is it?" I ask.

"I-I don't know, I don't know what's wrong, something is wrong with me but I don't know what's wrong," he says. he lays on his back and runs his hands over his face.

"well... how do you feel?" I ask as I continue rubbing his arm.

"I don't know... sad, miserable, unhappy, guilty," he sighs, removing his hands from his face and starring up at the ceiling.

"guilty? what do you feel guilty for?" I ask.

"you," he says.

"what do you mean you feel guilty for me? you haven't done anything to me, you haven't hurt me," I say.

"I know... but it feels like I will, and I feel guilty for that," he says.

"Derek... you can't feel guilty for something that hasn't happened yet," I say.

"yet?" he asks looking at me.

"yes, you're going to hurt me one day, and I will hurt you one day, that's how relationships works, that's how we learn to trust each other... people get hurt in relationships no matter what you do, even if you don't like it, it's just how it is," I tell him.

"but I don't want that," he says.

"I know, but no relationship is perfect, and you shouldn't feel guilty for anything that hasn't even happened," I say.

"but what about when it does?"

"then you can feel guilty but if you didn't hurt me don't feel guilty, there's nothing wrong with you-"

"you don't know that," he cuts me off.

"Derek, stop it. you can't be upset about something that hasn't even happened, why do you feel guilty?"

"because I don't want hurt you! Meredith!" he snaps, startling me.

"I... good, that's good, so don't, if you don't want to hurt me then don't," I say.

"it's not that easy, Mer, I could hurt you without even noticing it," he says.

"then I'll let you know," I say.

"but once it happens I can't take it back," he says.

"Derek, enough of this. I'm not going to argue with you about something that hasn't even happened, we can argue about it if it happens but until then we're not going to argue about it, okay?"

"yeah, fine, whatever," he says.

"have you finished all your homework, do you need help with anything?" I ask him after a few seconds of silence.

"No, and I don't want any help with it," he says crossing his arms over his chest still looking at the ceiling.

"Okay, fine, that's fine. what do you want to do then?" I ask resting my head against my hand as I look at him.

"I don't know" he says as he closes his eyes.

"are you still tired?" I ask.

"No," he answers.

"do you want me to go? I can go if you want?" I ask softly and quietly. he stays quiet for a bit.

"yeah... maybe you should go," he says opening his eyes and looking at the ceiling but not me.

"alright, I-I'll go," I say getting out of his bed.

as I'm grabbing my bag from the floor I look at him to see if he'll change his mind and ask me to stay. but he doesn't.

I grab my coat and leave his room and leave his house.

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suggestions????