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She looks so pretty... The watery blue wedding dress made her look prettier than I'd ever seen. It fell so softly to the ground fitting how softly she covers her mouth when she smiles. I don't know from where to begin her praise because it's not just her face, but her whole being.
She wasn't one who would ask if I had lunch or that I feel down or that I want her to come over to watch a movie. She always acted because she knew I'll never express it and when it was her bad days she'd not ask anything of me. She'd just tie her hair up, sit cross legged on my bed and start narrating me the story of the manga she recently read. It was her cutest habit, getting all excited over them.
I don't know how to explain this but I was always reserved, I never know how to say what I actually feel but she always knows. Sometimes I think I never made her feel as appreciated as she made me because of the way I am.
I remember... It's so funny to think about it now. I never studied much but that never made a difference on my grades except that once. Even thinking about those days makes my head ache because the fever was so high even the slightest light and sound made my whole body ache from every inch and I failed 3 of my subjects... Thinking about my parents' reaction made me hide in the school. I wasn't a child? Why was I like that? And I used to think I didn't care about my grades but I guess I did after all.
Anyway... She came to me with her forehead covered in sweat about an hour and a half after school ended.
She punched me and I almost cried. Not that it hurt but I was just so happy to see her in that time, after spending some time alone my mind had started sabotaging itself.
"Where were you all this time!?! Do you know how worried I was!? Your mother told me you hadn't returned!!" She had started crying that made me laugh. It wasn't anything big but my heart felt ecstatic. She was the prettiest from the very beginning, even when she cried, even when she was angry but never more than when she laughed.
"I can't believe you're behaving this way when you just got off the bed. I didn't even know if you've eaten or not and it's already 05:00!?" She cleaned her face before opening her bag and took out a lunch box. I knew it was freshly made but it still had gone cold, most probably during the time she was busy trying to find me. I still remember the taste of it while she was busy nagging in my ear.
And how she laughed when I ate all the chocolates she got for valentine's day. Sometimes I think did she know at that time? Did she know I was jealous? Maybe I should've bought her some too... If only I had been honest from the start, we might've been together for longer.
Then there was the time my dad hit me. I'd always been hearing others talk about their bad relationships with their parents. Mine was never that great kind but it was never bad either. I didn't know it was a relationship that asked for so much attention until the day he hit me the first time. I didn't return home till so long. Now that I think of it it was very childish and I'll admit I was being uselessly rebellious. That time too she was by my side. She didn't ask me anything she just stayed with my. Maybe that was one of the days I had most fun. We watched movies and played bingo. She doesn't like doing anything other than nothing but she kept me company the whole time.
She and I used to put our headphones on the whole time one because we loved music and second because we could avoid people but even while sitting together because we barely talked. Anyway, so she got us matching earbuds' cases once and I was wondering why they're both just plain white when we already have those. It was the best gift ever because we painted them together then.
Oh and when I took her from the party because everyone kept asking her for a dance. She kept laughing. I still remember how her cheeks had gone completely red. I was so obvious...
"HEY!! JAY!! WILL YOU KEEP STANDIN' THERE MAN!?" Jake suddenly diverted my attention off Jewel as he shouted standing in front of me. His far image was coming closer as he walked towards me. He wasn't annoying but I just don't want him to bother me today.
Jewel too saw that I'm ready and greeted the guests goodbye as she started walking towards me with the biggest smile. Even though I saw her in the same dress a week ago she was still mesmerising just like the first time.
We were so young back then and now here we are.
"I'll be finally having your best friend all to myself," Jake slapped my back while I was struggling to keep in my urge to punch him but I let my fist loose as I saw Jewel smile while slapping his arm.
I was so obvious then why...? She always knew what I was feeling then why did she never realise my feelings for her.
Maybe her happiness is the only assurance I'll need, more than having her by my side, more than being the one giving her that happiness, more than the one with the right to love her.
I hate myself Jewel so I'm happy you'll be with someone who'll express his love, who will let you know how beautiful you are unlike me. I'm letting this happen because I'm weak and because you deserve better.
I love you. I love you more than he ever will but maybe just how I couldn't say this to you, I would've never let you know in the future too.
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