heaven in disguise (slow update + ongoing)

four

yeonjun and i , we were walking together to hara's grave. things are different between me and yeonjun since that day.

we laughed and we talked.

and he himself looks different today.

miserable.

he doesn't look like himself at all neither did he talk to me if it's not me who try to start a conversation.

for some reason i look desperate and down bad for him. i look down at the box i'm holding.

well today is his birthday.

his breath smells like cigarettes, he smells like cigarettes.

" how long have you been smoking?" i ask yeonjun.

i was startled when he stop walking.

" long enough." he replied and continue to walk.

oh.

" don't you like the weather today? it's quite nice isn't it?" i ask again, trying to get rid of the sudden building tension between us.

" hana." he says. his eyes are now looking in mine , shooting through my soul. they're just dark , plain , colourless.

" are you avoiding me? did i do something wrong?" i ask.

" do you really think you could replace hara's place in my heart?"

" what?"

what is he talking about?

is it because of the rumors that have been spreading across the school where choi yeonjun is going out with his dead girlfriend's twin sister not long after she died?

" you heard me hana , do you really think you could replace hara's place in my heart? "

" yeonjun if this is because of those rumors, i beg you to stop talking nonsense right now." i say and try to walk away from him.

" you know what hana? i feel like i'm betraying hara even though she's gone. i feel like a total worthless piece of shit." he says, loud enough to make me turn.

" if you like me then i'm sorry to say that i wouldn't be able to do the same. it's not fair for hara and it's not fair me." he adds.

pissed by his sudden nonsense talks , i shot back with a clear outrageous in my voice.

" if it's not okay with you or hara that get hurts then is it okay if i'm the one who get hurts?"

" i did not say you're the only one who get hurt. i am hurting too , can't you see?" he scoffs, still defending himself on this nonsense he created and brought up all of sudden.

" i don't understand yeonjun. i thought we were in a good terms. you've been my sister's boyfriend for the past few years and now you're just being an asshole." i say and walk away from him.

forget about going to hara's grave and yeonjun's birthday.

yeonjun continue to chase after me.

" hana we're not done. you can't keep running away from your problem." he says.

" yes i can. you're the problem and i'm running away from you now because there wouldn't be a problem if you run away from the problem first. when you sunk deeper into the ocean of emotions, my hands were the one you reached for after all. and now you're treating me like a shit." i burst into tears.

yeonjun is only staring at me with his cold gaze. i wonder if he feel sorry.

" do you even care if i like you? would you even care? no you don't."

" stop playing victim hana. the only victim here is hara and we both knew that."

" bullshit. " i say and walk away from him.

is he for real spitting those hurtful words to me over some nonsense rumors?

" you know what? maybe if it's not the cancer that killed hara, she would've leave you anyway. happy fucking birthday choi yeonjun."

you were always being like that.

hitting me where i'm weak and ruining things that were shiny.

it never cross in my mind to replace hana in your life. but then if she's there in your heart, still being the queen, owning half of your soul, name still burning bright in your memory, where do we stand?

where do all the people who loves you stand?

what could've been different if i were to die instead of hara?

things would've been better.

everything could've been different.

i should've been the one who's dead.

and now all i think is being dead , death , death , death , fucking dead.