unsaid words | minsung ✓

𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐓𝐇 𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐎𝐋𝐃

authors note
i didn't pre-read this so...if anyone wants to
 tell me what i got incorrect that'll be very much
helpful for me and the readers....bye bye<3

jisung has been training to become an idol. he's been practicing for the past 4 months, it's been fun, but hard, and tiring. it's something great for his feature, and he wants it. not just for the frame, or the money, no, he wants to feel that spark that he's seen other idols have before. that spark with their fans. jisung wants to feel that too. which is way he's been training under jyp's entertainment. singing, dancing, rapping, everything thing for a perfect idol image. he doesn't need the perfection of an idol, but it's something the kpop communicating always wanted. 

jisung has always been able to smile even through the horrible days of his life. he's always able to get right up, but lately, it's not the same anymore. he feels more heavy lately, for whatever reason. he doesn't know why, but it's surely unpleasant. he can't even smile without worrying about everything else.

about his family, about his future, about the debut, when is that gonna happen? when will he finally be able to feel that special connection with his fans? how amazing does it feel? to be loved. how special can that make you feel? jisung has always been loved by his family, but he wants to feel something more. he wants to feel more, something that might just be the end of him. that's what he wants. something that can be able to kill him. not in a harmful way, obviously. but just something that can keep him alive. that can keep from never giving up.

the reason to stay breathing.

he wants to feel that. wants to cry over joy by how many people love him in the world. how many lives he'd be able to change. he wants to be someone who can be special to another person.

 what would that feel like? jisung never found anything in his life interesting. nothing provoked him to keep trying, well, at least not until now. not when he decided to be an idol. when he wasn't under training, jisung was lifeless. all he ever did was attend school and hang out with friends, forgetting all about perfect grades and scores. all he ever done was get in trouble, but he never felt anything when he did. it was all just meaningless. nothing was ever important to him.

and when he was alone, with no one around, jisung was quiet. everything around him he questioned. his mouth and mind suddenly switched places. his mind became the talking and he begun thinking too much, while his mouth stayed closed with no words spoken.

when jisung was alone, he was quiet, and well mannered. his personality shifts to his real self. to the only true person han jisung sees himself. the real person behind the smile.

jisung liked to take walks, and he liked to stay indoors. creating music, eating alone, sometimes overthinking his entire existent which made him take late night walks afterwards. hoping the despair inside him fades away. but not forever, just for the time being.

jisung felt comfortable whenever he had his own moments like these. it was like his own world, and he loved that. he loved being alone, creating thoughts in his head that no one else will ever understand, and that's what was so funny and weird about him. he liked it himself. he liked the way he was. he accepted himself. his weird random outbursts he sometimes had, his hatred for the world but also admiration for it, his unique sense of telling jokes, he loved all of himself.

so sometimes he wonders what is the true reason behind wanting to be an idol. if it wasn't for the frame, what was it? if he already loved himself, why would he need more? jisung never exactly got the answers to any of his questions, which was surprisingly fine for him. he doesn't mind the thought of not having answers because does he really want the answers? sometimes he'd prefer there to be no answers. sometimes knowing the truth is too terrifying. jisung prefers for there to be no answers if he wants to keep smiling. to keep working hard, because he's scared of what would happen if he'd found out the truth behind his actions. behind what made him so weird. so different from everyone else in this world. it was too terrifying for jisung.