I'M NOT SURE if I did want the weed to kill me, but the last place I want to be is in this shady, dark car. It's so goddamn eerie! And then for some goddamn reason, this dustball or something like that forms in my throat. And my cover for being oblivious blows.
I cough. Quinn looks at me suddenly. "Are you okay?"
I look at him, bewildered. "What the fuck."
He ignores me completely. "I―Do you feel dizzy? Or like you're going to throw up?"
"No, I'm fine." I start to get up, but Quinn lowers me down. "What?" I snark.
"You shouldn't get up," he tells me, completely ignoring my "rudeness," and I have to admit I'm a little impressed at how easy he lets go of my comment. But he's a CA, of course he fucking has to!
I intend to argue more with this guy and insist that I can, in fact, get up. But I pass out after a few seconds.
✤✤✤
TO BE HONEST, I didn't really think that much about the aftermath of the weed. I figured I would just head back to the dorm after a few hits, but look where we are.
I snort. This person looks at me suddenly. "Are you okay, sweetie?"
"Uh, yeah―wait, where am I?"
"The hospital." I already knew where I was based on the person's uniform and all, but it intrigues me on why I'm in the hospital. Or most importantly how I even came here.
"Uh, are my parents here?"
"No, but the boy who brought you here is."
And that's when it dawns on me. "Oh, shit," I mutter. I thought that was a dream. You know, something about how I was thinking about Quinn before I did weed―or not literally before, a couple minutes ago―and when I did it, I thought about him.
"Would you want your family here?" the person asks.
"They're not―" and then I realize that she thinks Quinn is family. Family, my ass. "No, I'm good."
✤✤✤
BY THE TIME, my immediate family arrives, all my thoughts of Quinn have vanished (I'm pretty sure his presence vanished as well). I don't think I thought about him that much. Or maybe I did subconsciously.
That's what I do when I want to escape my life: I think about a really nice thought, which is, in this case, me kissing Quinn repeatedly.
Unfortunately, I'm pelted back into reality where Bhanu thrusts her arms around me, giving me this dysfunctional hug considering I'm on a cot and she's just standing there. I shrug off of it in a forceful manner―good doing on my behalf―and locate Ayush and Arjun in my peripheral vision.
Yeah. I think I finally found an answer to that question I had: I definitely wanted the weed to kill myself.
It's the face for sure on Arjun's face that gives it away. Of how embarrassed and confused (notice how there's no sympathy) he is to see his daughter―just saying makes me want to barf―lying on a cot because she overdosed on weed (so, basically, suicide).
It's on occasions like this, I wonder how better our family would be if Arjun suddenly passed. I doubt I would be in this situation (at least not so early) because at least I would have one less hater in the family.
Ayush is standing there awkwardly. He was the same like this for thathea's death. Except, oh wait, he died and I didn't. I expect a little nudge from him or at least some lame ass joke. But he just musters this fake grin when I look at him for too long.
Fuck.
It's ironic because when I mentioned suicide before, Ayush would make me feel better with some goddamn joke. I guess when it actually comes to the situation at hand people are too much of a pussy to do anything.
No wonder so many people commit suicide.
And then I start thinking about why I didn't die. Because right now, the only thing I want to feel is nothing.
