A year,seven months,six days,eight hours,five minutes and three seconds. He was the year,the month,the day,the hour...he was all of it,we were all of it. We were the sheets on our bed,we were the loundry that lay on the floor for days,we were the guitars hanging on our bedroom's wall...we were real.
I though of it whilst gazing at the mist covering the city on a cold evening in November in Seattle,when the thought of sleeping alone for the first time in a year and a half kicked it's way to my brain.
„Are you going to be okay?" he asked,hiding his concern behind a smile.
I watched the dying sunlight reflecting in the azure of his eyes as his right hand rested against the backrest of the chair I was sitting on,Eddie being so close I could feel his breath on my face.
„Don't worry,I'll drown my sadness in the nearby pub." I joked,the thought of him leaving making my thoughts speed.
„I know..that's why I don't want to leave." he continued in a jokingly tone.
We remained silent for a moment,both of us looking for a justification for what we were about to do. I wondered if I'd regret not going to Portland with them,and I wondered if he thought I was rejecting his attention by telling him I was going to miss the show this time.
„Just go,sing from the bottom of your heart and make me proud."
His eyes widened at the sound of my voice and at the words I spoke,a smile curling his lips before he leaned forward and clashed them with mines.
This man was addictive. His scent,his voice,the feeling of his skin under my palm...everything about him felt like a pill that needed to be taken over and over untill it left you pleading for more while your body burned with agonising desire.
„I love you..."he whispered into my ear,his voice as silent as the wind creeping up on a sultry summer evening.
I watched him walk towards the doors,wondering on what my cure against this man's addictive presence is going to be for the next three days...or for my entire life. He placed his hand on the doorknob,and stood there for a short moment. I had already started wondering when he flashed me a mischievous smile over his shoulder.
„Wait for me."
I smiled,his action making all the black dissolve.
„Always."
His leaving left a burning sensation somewhere inside of me,each of his steps lighting a new fire that wasn't going to be extinguished with water.
***
I couldn't sleep that night...nor the night after it,nor the one after that. I tossed and turned in my bed,breathing his scent from the pillow he slept on and wondering if he,somewhere in a corner of the band's tour bus,was doing the same.I felt strange for not being with him,whilst not allowing myself to miss him at the same time.
They were about to return in two days,because apparently...two dates had been added to the one they had already played a day ago.
I caught the glimpse of Eddie's flannel shirt hanging over the closet door,and suddenly surrenderred to the strong urge to lay it between my arms. I inhaled deeply,letting the mixture of cigarrets and parfume fill my nostrils and take me back to him.
When suddenly,a muffled sound broke the silence. I struggled to wake up,wondering whether I was asleep or half awake in the first place. A buzzing from underneath my pillow reasurred me I was awake,and without looking at the screen I answered.
„Hey there beautiful." Eddie's voice spoke from the other side of the line,sounding tired and quiet....but I could hear he was smiling,which made myself smile back.
It's trivial how the person we most want to hear seems to be the last person we expect to hear in the middle of the night,when only the thought of him kept me awake enough. However,only one tone of his voice...and I was already sitting straight,with my eyes wide opened and my voice free from sleepyness.
„Hey there..." I said,smiling for the first time since he left.
„Were you asleep?" he asked,well aware I wasn't.
„Not really,no..."
I didn't want to sleep...I didn't need to sleep,I needed him.
„Everyone's drunk and asleep...we met up with Layne and the guys after the show."
A short silence followed. I could hear him breathing over the phone. Nothing but his breath and silence that made me feel so peaceful and at ease.
„You know...since you couldn't see the show tonight,I thought I'd give you a little preview of it... "
„And how do you plan to do that mr.Vedder?" I asked in confusion,getting up and starting to walk up and down the room.
He laughed.
„Look outside of the window for a moment."
My eyes widened in excitement,as my heartbeat went from dead to wild. I walked towards the bedroom window,slowly and hesitantly...as if scared it was a beautiful dream someone was about to wake me up from. Tripping on Eddie's ripped jeans on the floor here and there,I found myself with my hand on the cold glass when my eyes traced the silhouette of a long haired man moving here and there.
„You bastard..." I spoke with a quivering voice,as the lump in my throat seemed to be getting harder and harder to swallow.
„This is for you baby...I love you." he spoke whilst looking straight into my eyes,before setting the cellphone aside.
There he was,under my window with his band...playing an acoustic session at 3 a.m. ,not caring about the neighbors calling the police or waking up the whole block.
I watched as he sung his lungs out,feeling him open up to me more than he ever did before and with something we both were best at-music. Shiverring under the cold air with my eyes glued to the amazing man underneath my window,I let this moment carve up in my heart and memory to the point where it could never be removed...soaking in every word,every sound whilst his stare pierced through my soul...seeing everything,reading me to the bone.
As moments felt like years,Eddie blew me a kiss before running straight into the building. And before I had the time to greet everyone had Eddie abandoned with their instruments on the sreet,he had me between himself and the wall.
„Eddie...Eddie..."his name escaped my mouth countless times as he kissed every inch of my neck.
It felt as confusing and as nervous as the first time,but so beautifully familliar. The feeling of his hair twinning between my fingers,his strong body against mine,his warm mouth locked with mine...it felt like home,and I never wanted to leave.
Suddenly,he cupped my head in his hands and looked straight into my eyes with a serious look on his face.
„I missed you...I really did... "he spoke,leaning forward as if he intended to kiss me but only brushing his nose against mine a few times.
„The feeling of your breath melting with mine..."He teased,his lips slightly brushing against mines here and there whilst he spoke.
„Your heartbeat under my palm..." he continued,placing his right hand on my chest.
„Your warmth against my naked body..." he slid his hand from my chest across my waist and then to my back,pulling me closer to himself.
„I missed everything about you...and I never want to have to miss you again." he whispered,complimenting me with a kiss as gentle as I've never recieved from anyone.
And just like that,for the first time in my life,I was left speachless...surrendering to him in every way one can surrender to someone. With so many things I wanted to say to him,all that came out of my mouth was a weak and sleepy I love you.
