People say that there are millions of fish in the sea and that if the fish doesn't treat you well, just throw it back in and reel in a fresh one.
But as cheesy as it is, he was my clownfish. My best friend. My everything. My person. Until he wasn't...
I don't understand how this process works. I don't understand how emotions can cripple someone. I figured that as long as I had a strong sense of self, no one could ever break me. But here I am, sitting on my bedroom floor, feeling completely helpless, completely at a loss.
I know it's really stupid. Hell, if I saw myself like this a couple years ago, I would laugh at how pathetic I looked. I thought I was strong, I thought I was secure, I thought I could get through anything. But now I realise I'm not invincible. I'm vulnerable. Weak.
No matter how much I tried to move on and keep myself busy, it was impossible. And boy, let me emphasise how much I was trying. Finals is upcoming up in the next week and I'm putting in all my energy into it. I usually start my mornings at 7am, waking up bright and early as soon as the light shines into my room. I take about 30 minutes to get dressed and get ready for the day, skip breakfast and head straight for my desk, ready to tackle the first lecture of the day.
"Morning sis," my sister greets, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, "what time will you be back today?"
"Same time as usual." She nods her head, close the door behind her. This was the same routine we had everyday and I liked it. As I said before, I like predictability, I thrive on it.
I continued my lecture and finished writing up my notes before quickly packing up my bag, grabbing my keys, slipping on my shoes and walking out the door. Simple and easy.
"I'm leaving now, see you later," I yelled as I shut the front door.
The drive into university has been getting better nowadays since it's study break and most people would rather "study" in the comforts of their own home. The walk to the library is usually the most peaceful time of my day. Trees are green and lushes, the smell of the fresh morning dew fills my nostrils and makes me feel all calm, like I'm being soothed from the inside. I take in the nature around me, enjoying the 10 minutes of sun and outdoor energy that I'll probably be getting throughout the whole day. Terrible I know. But I'm an indoor cat plus, I have a lot to get done.
Once I step into the library, it's eerily quiet as if you can hear a pin drop. Just the way I like it. During crunch time, I work like a machine. On task and always focused so for the next 3 hours, I do exactly that. Rewatching lectures, doing practice questions and writing pages after pages of notes. I take a quick lunch break, sometimes with my friends if they come in but most of the time, I tend to avoid them during this period. I love them a lot but they aren't the best group to study with. They talk too much, way too much and I hate distractions. I head back to my study table, carefully avoiding anyone I know. I'm not in the chatty mood today.
For the next 3 hours I'm doing the same thing, rotating between my laptop, ipad and phone, constantly on the grind. There was no easy way out when it came to things like this. For me, hard work and going over the content over and over again was the only way I could retain information and the only way I would be able to achieve my goals. Distinction or nothing remember?
Once I finished the last lecture, the tension started to build around my temples, the pain throbbing in the back of my eyes. These were all signs for me to stop and take a break. I started packing up all my belongings, putting in my airpods for the walk back to my car. Once I'm no longer productive at uni, I usually pack up my things and head home, taking the drive back as a break and then starting again after.
"Hey sis," The car system indicating my sister was calling as I pushed the button to answer.
"Hey what's up?" I made a left turn, getting off the freeway. "I'm almost home, just got off the freeway."
"Great, perfect timing. Could you pretty pretty please stop by the Asian shop? " Ugh. For some reason, I didn't like it when things interrupted my plans but since I was on my way, I guess I could do it. I sighed, giving in to her request. "Yay, thanks sis. I already sent the list to your phone."
And with that, she hung up. Fine, I guess I'm going to be a good sister today.
As I made my way through the aisles of the asian shop getting all the ingredients my sister requested for, I stopped in my step. They were selling a new product, jellyfish. That's so interesting. So exotic. I loved trying foods like this. And I knew that he loved it too. It was something that we did together.
This is just another example of how everywhere I go and everything around me just reminded me of him. Of all the things we used to do together, all the things I loved doing with him.
Jellyfish had been on our list of exotic foods to try out but we could never find it in any grocery shop near us. Instinctively, with all my excitement, my mind unconsciously tapped into his contact, ready to send him an image of it. But before I could make that mistake, I remembered. I couldn't do that anymore. We weren't on talking terms. And I really shouldn't.
All that excitement fizzled away into the depths of darkness as the sadness that was barely kept at bay starting creeping to the surface, enveloping me in its embrace. Here we go again. I need a distraction.
"Hey sis," I called, hoping to know what she wanted for dinner.
"Sorry sis, did you forget? I'm working a night shift tonight. I'm just about to leave the house." I could hear the rustling in the background as she gathered her belongings, closing the door behind her.
"Oh right," slightly disappointed by her response, "all good, have a good shift. I'll see you tomorrow morning then."
"Yup, love you bye." She replied in a hurry. Welp, I guess I'm all by myself tonight.
As soon as I got home, I lugged in all the groceries and putting them into the pantry before heading up to my room. I was so tired of feeling down and depressed all the time. I wanted, no I needed, to take back some control. Opening up my laptop, I researched all the strategies online on how to find myself again and to rid myself of this heartbreak. Every single website mentioned how it takes time, not to rush the process, to let yourself feel all the emotions. Bullshit. That isn't how I work. I need to do something. Something to guide me in a productive way.
As I listed out all the potential strategies I could experiment with, I highlighted the ones I would 100% do in blue, similar ideas in pink, striking out the impossible in purple and highlighting the "maybes" in green.
Game plan: complete at least 3 of them a week for the next month. It's possible. It'll work. It has to.
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