The Maltese Manuscript (LSD, #6)

12. No More Mister Nice Guy

No More Mister Nice Guy

At 7:00 AM, at the very moment when Malik and I are ready for breakfast, someone knocks on the door. Malik looks through the little window, then opens the door a crack to peek out, but he doesn't see anything.

"Over here!"

Malik looks down: "Identifiably, who are you?"

I solve the riddle: "They are our back-up. Let them in."

Six midgets hobble inside, drag seats from the kitchen, and help us make the breakfast disappear before Malik can say: "Politely, wouldn't you just introduce yourself?"

One of the midgets replies, with his mouth full: "If you're so polite, why don't you start by setting a good example?"

I interrupt: "We're losing time here, precious time, and we are wasting our aggression on the wrong people. Bandits: this is Malik. Malik: these are the Bandits; the one with the leather cap is Randall, the one with the glasses is Strutter, the one with the beard is Vermin, the one with the hat is Wally, the one with the Viking helmet is Og, and the one with the R2-D2 is Fidgit."

"What's an R2-D2?", Malik asks.

"You'll see it when you're in trouble.", Fidgit answers.

"It's our main weapon.", Strutter explains.

"No, it's not. Our main weapon is fear.", Og interrupts.

"Isn't our main weapon surprise?", Wally asks, surprised.

"Our main weapon is surprise; it's fear and surprise. But the R2-D2 is what causes the fear and surprise.", Randall says.

I explain the Bandits to Malik: "Khalid El Bullít hides in the medieval castle. We can't wait until he comes out, so we go in. He has twenty armed men to protect him, so we'll need help. We can't expect him to be friendly and cooperative, so no more Mr Nice Guy: we go armed and dangerous. The Bandits are the best army money can hire at such short notice."

Malik objects: "But... They are midgets!"

"Napoleon conquered the world, and he was only a gnat's cock taller than I am.", Wally says between two bites of a sandwich.

"Don't judge a man on the size of his dick, but on the size of his heart, Malik.", Strutter says while slurping a steaming hot cup of tea.

"If we were judged on the size of our dicks, I would be a much bigger man than you.", Vermin says, chewing two sausages at once.

Randall hits Vermin on the back of his head: "Shut up. We're eating."

"Randall is right. We should make a plan.", I suggest.

"Getting more bread, that sounds like a plan.", Wally suggests.

"And more coffee." "And some cheese." "How about eggs and bacon?" "Good plan. Take care of it, boys."

The Bandits disappear into the kitchen and return with their hands full: "A bit of booty bait to bite." "Most important meal of the day." "Take your filthy fingers out of the butter, Vermin."

When everyone's seated, I try to continue where I was before the interruption: "We should make a plan."

"Who the hell are you to tell us what to do?", Og says.

"I'm the one who's paying."

"Okay." "Fair enough." "What do you want us to do?"

Randall shakes his head: "We told you: we don't work with a leader. So you better do what I say and make a plan."