Straying Paths

Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

After the choosing ceremony, the first walk to Abnegation is long and unfamiliar, to say the least. Never have I been here before nor needed to walk this far. I walk the cracked road with the dangerously dangling stoplights and for a second I wonder if having cars really is selfish. Well, of course you can sell fish in a car, but maybe a boat would be best. It is a close call, but I manage to avoid chuckling when I remember that people from Abnegation frown upon laughter. As the gray, one-size, rectangular houses close in on us, I am awfully aware of my yellow dress sticking out like a sore thumb. The few dark windows around us hide the people inside but make me feel observed. In the past, people have told me that the yellow of my dress compliments my dark skin, but now it simply feels loud, flamboyant, selfish even, and reminds me of the place -and people- I have left behind. My mother, my father, the twins, and my older sister. My family.

Every day my parents remind me, and I remind them, that they are hypocrites. They have a self-serving desperation for peace: that cannot exist by sweeping all their problems under the rug and pretending to be fine. Not even their perfect oldest daughter could find a real peaceful solution to their issues. If anyone could, it would be her. She lives up to the true ideals of Amity. I am not jealous of Eula. I might have been, at one point in time. However, as I grew older, I realized not even the golden child is happy with parents like ours. Since she had to carry all the expectations and pressure that comes with being perfect. Most importantly, she is my sister, and I will always be happy for her achievements. It does not matter if there will never come a day when I can step out of her shadow. Now, I am burdened with the knowledge of leaving her there, alone. Perhaps, choosing Abnegation was selfish. Even before the aptitude test, I would always try to be selfless in the ways I could. It made the most sense to me that to truly help others you would need to think of them. So, when I did the test and heard the word Divergent from my test administrator, I was confused. When he explained in a hurried and rushed voice it only made my confusion worse. But the main points stuck. Divergent. Abnegation, Dauntless and Amity. All parts of me. After a lot of consideration, I concluded that it made sense. It felt right. I am Divergent.

Before the aptitude test, I already knew that I wanted to leave Amity. I lived well there, and although I might complain about my parents, they just did what they were taught to do. Regardless, it went against my ethics, and I disliked the ambiguous concepts of peace, friendship, and harmony. There were too many loopholes that were mistreated, and people used the wrong methods to maintain the peace. On the other hand, I could not foresee that I would be Dauntless as well, so I had to make a decision in a day. As Dauntless I might have once been able to help people in ways that truly mattered, but from what I saw, they have changed. The dauntless do not stand for bravery and protection as they might have once. Dauntless born children would arrive at school by jumping off a moving train and then misusing their position and strength by enforcing their skewed views of strength and bravery by being bullies. In comparison my good friend from Abnegation was kind to everyone and stood up for others. But the truly brave would be those from Abnegation. Those who do everything in their power to remember and care for others. Everything, from the way they would help an old lady on the street to being the only faction that tries to help the factionless. That is the type of brave person I would want to be. Once again, I feel satisfied with my choice. That is perhaps plain self-satisfaction, imaginably, it was unfair to judge the Dauntless based on their children and I was probably selfish to leave my own family for these reasons. Then, right here, right now, on this empty and rough street, I swear that choosing Abnegation will be my last selfish choice.

***

As I wake up the following morning, memories of last night feel a little blurry. I got the signature gray clothes of Abnegation, and they were shockingly comfortable. At Amity we dress comfortably, so the simple gray robes felt unexpectedly like home. However, it was thoroughly uncomfortable when I lost quite a bit of hair and a lot of time trying to undo my braids without my usual tools. I got to use a mirror that I will not be able to use for the coming three months, and then put my hair up in a bun like all the other women. I tried to remove my nail polish as well but there was no nail polish remover to be found and I did not want to bother anyone with such a request when clearly no one would need to have any. The red nail polish will have to stay for the time being and protect my nails from my insistent biting.