The Special One (the last year of our story)
by aisyah maimunah
Let the year be as special as it could be...
“Like you said, make next year the last year of me and him. I was thinking of the same. I have faith that I can go through all these for our last year. And as I go busier with you guys next year, I believe that I won’t have time to think of him just like last year. I almost completed my mission of forgetting him but at last, we met during fasting month. I really hope next year would be a good year. Well, it’s my last year keeping feelings towards him; let the year be as special as it could be. I need to let him go by the end of the day. The time has arrived. Well, there’s wisdom behind these. I hope I’ll find my true love sooner or later...”- between aisyah & mahizan.
Believe me. You’re always going to have a place in my heart. 10 years from now, I’ll look back and say...he really was my first love♥
I’ve determined to keep these feelings as long as it could be and as deep as it could go down my heart but suddenly, everything came back to me. I asked myself if I can hold on any longer. I wanted to but the courage is not here. In the year 2012, it would be 10 years as I came to know him. I knew I wanted to stay longer but there’s a voice in my head saying ‘you can’t make it’. It was really upsetting. I don’t want anybody else to replace him. I insisted at first but my heart kept asking me if he’s worth waiting for. Sometimes I wonder if love is worth fighting for, but then I remember his face and I’m ready for war. Sometimes, I feel like giving up on him. Felt like everything was useless at that time but I knew I couldn’t give up for long. I tried but I failed. I didn’t want to try anymore as I’m afraid that I can never remember him again. I need that feeling to stay with me; to keep me awake that there’s someone in my heart. And to tell me that I’m not lonely as his memories keep me accompany day by day. When the light lets the dark to stay with me, the only thing that lighted me was only Allah and his memories. Besides crying over religion, family, buddies and studies, he’s another thing I cried over. The memoirs keep me strong all this while. The memoirs remind me of our happy days. I miss our play fights, our teasing, our silly talks, our jokes, our long hour conversation... I guess I just miss him. I prayed to Allah for the strength to keep the wait if he were meant to be mine but erase the love in my heart if he were never meant to be. I held tears when I saw him and when will the time arrived when I need to stop doing that? Stop the emotions whenever I see him in future; which means, there’s no more love between us. We stay clear without any hiding feelings. He was the only one I talked about and the only one in my daydream or at night. What if the time taken to let him off my mind challenges the time taken of me waiting for him? They said that if you can’t get someone out of your head, maybe they’re supposed to be there. Could that be true for any reason? After all my words for him, I know that I need to be strong enough to deal with love. The meaning of true love is not to possess. I’ll keep that in mind.
There is a year where something needed to be changed. It’s the last year for me to appreciate every single thing I had with him; to appreciate my wait for him. Appreciate my love for him and most important among all, to love him as deep as I could for the last time.
Dear heart,
You have to set him free. You have to let him be gone. May he stay as someone special you’ve met in life. Don’t drown into your strong emotions.
Dear heart,
Your love is too true for him. May he know it someday. May he find all your quotes, words and read them all. May he know that they’re all about him.May he find someone who can love him like you did.
Dear heart,
You love him very much, don’t you? Don’t worry, honey. Allah knows it all. He knows how much you’ve prayed. He knows how long you’ve waited. He knows how much love you’ve gave upon a boy you met 10 years ago. Allah knows it all.
I know from now onwards, I only have 1 year to love him right and deep. 12 months to keep the memoirs. 365 days to tell myself that I love him. 4380 hours to think of him. 4380 hours to dream of him. I have to move on without my love for him. Let my heart be empty. True love will come but no one knows when it is. I have to pray for our bests. I have to pray for our bright futures. I might already let him go but I’ll always remember him. He is the first one, the inspiration, the good example.Sometimes the only reason why you won’t let go of what’s making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy. I agreed.
It’s impossible for me to forget him but I’ll try my best to wipe away the love that began 10 years ago. I need to stay strong. No worries for the time being. I’m still left with few days to love him deeply. I’m letting the year 2012 be the special year of our story since year 2007 has been the sweetest, best year ever between us. After 2012 has passed, I hope when the memoirs are recalled, there are smiles on my face instead of tears. I want the memoirs to last forever after even if I am married to someone else. I want to refresh my memories back again someday and say ‘everything was wonderful back then’. The moment I have to set him off, I know nothing can be gained at that time. Before I knew it’s 2012, December 2012 has come to an end. And that’s where my love for him will stop the 10 year’s wait. I have to say goodbye, really.
After all, I have to thank him for once; he was the one I loved. I have to thank Allah for once; He gave me the chance to love him. As soon as I realised I have to let him leave, I learn to appreciate all my love for him. My entire wait and tears for him despite the wait kills me softly.
It’s like something I didn’t know existed. I mean, it’s been a dream. You’ve been a dream. Thank you for you had been a part of me. Thank you, Arif Azmin.
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
-my heart will go on, Titanic soundtrack-
And she loved a little boy very, very much
Wednesday November 30th 2011 11:35pm
aisyah maimunah
