the fault is ours (but we would never forgive ourselves)

strike three (you're out(?))

when i gave that painting to mike in the van, i didn't expect it to go this far. god, i never even should have given that painting to mike.

i was standing by myself, waiting for mike to be done talking to el. i don't even know why i was waiting for him. i guess old habits die hard, they say. when mike left the room he was in, i thought he looked disappointed at first. but then he looked angry. maybe el broke up with him?

he saw me and scowled. what the hell? what did i do? i thought.

mike came closer to me and put his hand on the wall behind me. you're too close, i wanted to say. but mike started talking first.

"so. the painting. you lied"

"i- what?"

"el didn't commission it. she said you wouldn't even let her see it."

"i... don't know what you're saying."

mike got closer to my face, letting me feel his hot breath against my nose. "im saying that you lied. el didn't commission it."

"i... yeah, you're right. i just thought... that you might accept it more if its from el."

"why didn't you just tell me?" mike asked, getting a bit closer.

"mike- mike, you're too close."

"i don't care." mike stepped closer, making our faces inches apart from each other.

"fine, okay! i was talking about myself in the van, not el. el... she can survive without you. she has survived without you... but... i can't. el doesn't need you... i do. i need you. and even though i've been dropping hints and being so obvious about it since kindergarten, your dumbass didn't realize."

"...realize... what?"

i flushed light pink.

"i like you. i've liked you ever since we were kids. ever since you  said you wanted to marry me in kindergarten, ever since before i went missing. before everything. but... you never even realized."

"will--"

"hold on, im not finished." if mike was going to reject me, call me a faggot and spit on me or something for being gay, i at least wanted to get everything out before it happened. "i never told you because... well, obviously i wouldn't tell you, but even if you were okay with the fact that i'm... gay... i didn't think you would ever like me back. cause... you always made sure to let me know how much you don't care about me anymore. like that day we argued before i went to california, and that day at the rink o mania, and that time that you-"

i was interrupted by the feeling of mikes closing the gap between our faces.

OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON is what my brain sounded like in that moment.

instead of pushing him away like i should've done, i kissed back. i know, i know, i shouldn't have done that. i didn't know if he broke up with el, i don't know why he's even kissing me, but i've dreamed of this moment for so long. feeling mike's lips on mine, his hands on my waist and mine on his chest that i couldn't bring myself to push him away.

then i thought of el. i brought up the courage to push his body away from mine. he stared at me.

i walked away.

that was strike three. except that time, it was my fault.