My Amusement Trail

Chapter 29

Klouie
therapeutic

I promise to myself not to cry... so I won't right now.

I hardened my heart and never shed a tear, no matter the weight of my emotions. I can never again suffer the anguish of being ripped apart by my own despair.

The walls I had built up around my heart were like a fortress. But then, like a hurricane, she tore down all the barriers I had built. Suddenly, my heart felt alive with feeling- like a phoenix rising from the ashes- and I found myself alive with emotion that had been long dormant.

I promise to myself that I will hold my emotions strongly and make sure to never let anyone know they got me. I let anger rule and be my main emotion. But right now, I can't grasp any amount of anger as my defense because I already fall into the deep lake they called love.

It's been years, huh. It's been years, yet the atmosphere didn't change. I'm still here, broken under the same circumstances.

Even if I longed for the presence of pain inside my heart to prove to me that I'm still here. And looking back at how I was before, I can say that nothing really changed. I'm still a person who never learned from her actions and keeps moving forward knowing that I'm just running in circles, cycling the same odds. She just made me feel all the emotions that have been buried.

At pareho pa rin ang dahilan ng pag-atras ko.

I sighed painfully, taking a large amount of air that can encourage me to talk to her.

Sinundan ko siya nang umalis ito sa Unibersidad. And she stopped in the convenience store to buy something as I waited for her inside my car to go out.

Dati ko pang gustong gawin ito pero ayaw kong masira ang meron kami. She entertained me, and I felt loved by it. I settled for a nameless connection, but the urge inside me needs assurance that my presence is wanted. But I just can't ask her that easily because it's really embarrassing and wouldn't feel genuine if I asked for it.

But this time, I want to settle everything... nagbabakasali ako ngayon na ang pag-uusap lang namin ang magpapagaan ng loob ko.

Ayokong madurog ulit dahil sa sariling konklusyon ko. Ayoko na.

I will accept the outcome of this conversation even if it means avoiding her afterwards.

Lumabas ako ng saksakyan matapos siyang sundan ng tingin na umupo sa nag-iisang bench na nasa gilid ng store.

She seems to want to be alone. And I'm such a cruel person to just disturb her supposedly alone time.

Umupo ako sa tabi niya ng tahimik bago ko siya tapunan ng tingin. She's not surprised by my sudden appearance anymore because I know she knows I've been following her around.

She picked up the in-can drink and sipped on it as the painful blow of the wind assaulted our senses.

"Why did you do that?" The chills I felt from the cold night is equals from the coldness of her tone.

I gritted my teeth to stop myself from bursting out. I can really feel my pent-up frustrations at the moment.

"Can't I have the freedom to express what I feel for you?"

"I told you not to-"

"Pero nagmatigas ako." Pagtapos ko sa sasabihin niya. "It's my fault, right?"

She glared icily.

"I was there... you knew exactly what I'm doing." I started, talking about her conversation with the woman. "You say it indirectly for me."

Napailing ako dahil sa rumaragasang sakit sa aking dibdib.