peace [bucky barnes]

26

CW: BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS OF VOMITING
PANIC ATTACK/ANXIETY
ALCOHOL & DRINKING

"Hi, you've reached Eden, I can't come to the phone right–"

Bucky cursed and jammed his thumb onto the keys of his phone, resisting the urge to launch it straight into the East River. The brick wall overlooking the water crumbled slightly beneath his grip as he steadied himself, sullen gaze cast out to the crashing waves below; with the sixteenth rendition of Eden's voicemail greeting, he felt his sanity spiralling further out of reach.

He had been trudging aimlessly around Brooklyn in the hours since he'd left the bar, shortly after Eden had made her soul-crushing exit. In the direct aftermath, he sat slumped in the booth alone, nursing Sam's drink between his hands, staring at the wooden tabletop until his eyes fogged into chestnut-coloured patterns. His mind wandered into dangerous, terrifying territory, territory he had not ventured for a long time; with Eden beside him, he had managed to stay safely in green pastures, but without her he headed straight for barren land with those familiar evils lurking in the shadows.

The sound of tentative footsteps approaching did nothing to phase him, bringing the glass to his lips and gulping the remainder of the whiskey. As he swallowed it down, his eyes flickered to his left, finding Sam standing a few feet away, concerned expression aimed straight at him.

"Hello Samuel," Bucky said quietly, his voice flat. "Come to poke fun at the world's biggest asshole?"

Sam kept his gaze steady as he approached the booth, offering a gentle shake of his head. The indents between his brows deepened as he found Bucky's face, never sure where he was headed when he got that glaze of distance over his eyes, features set with hardened barricades.

"Good. Nothing you're gonna say could possibly be worse than anything I've already told myself."

Pain flashed across Sam's appearance, movements unsure as he slid into the seat across from him. "I just came to see if you were alright."

"Not even close."

Bucky gritted his teeth together as he turned away from the pity in Sam's eyes, muscle in his jaw ticking. His fingertips skimmed over the rim of the tumbler, wishing with all he had that he could get blackout drunk, just so he wouldn't have to feel anything anymore; his bones ached, a black hole of shame settling deep into his chest, threatening to yank him into oblivion. He'd fucked up a few times when it came to Eden, harsh words bursting out in the heat of the moment before he could lock them up, but he had never said something so blatantly hurtful, and with so much anger; all of the progress he had made in the last few weeks seemed pointless, his brain warping into a catastrophic storm, so violent he could barely see straight.

A beat of silence passed between them, a beat where Sam uncharacteristically struggled to find something more to say. He was solemn as he kept his attention locked on Bucky, taking in every shift, every twitch of his limbs, attempting to decipher what was going on inside his shrouded mind.

"What the hell happened, Buck?" He finally asked, his tone gentle.

"I really don't wanna talk about it." The words were strangled in Bucky's throat, shoulders slumping as he bowed his head, too full of shame to look him in the eye.

"I'm not leaving until you do."

Sam reached forward to place a hand on his arm, but the second his fingers brushed the leather of his jacket, Bucky pulled away out of reach. The expanse of his blue was dark, anger and regret battling within the contortions of his face as he snapped a weak look at his friend; he was rattled, confused by the warmth of Sam's voice and the softness of his touch when he knew he didn't deserve it, didn't deserve anything except calloused ice.