I Do What I Do » John Taylor

XVIII

February 7th, 1984

"You ready?" Julie asks as we stand in front of the building. She shifts her weight onto one side and crosses her arms as she turns to face me.

"As I'll ever be," I reply hesitantly. A small chill runs down my spine as the wave of flashbacks from my first few weeks here flash through my mind.

The two of us walk into the doors of the familiar workplace.

"It feels like it's been forever since I was here," I say as we walk through the corridor. "It was definitely before the tour started."

"Yeah. Oh my god," she agrees with a small laugh.

Door after door, room after room, we make our way down the hallway. I peer inside one of the doorways and see my name, prompting me to go inside. "Alright," I say. "This is my stop."

"I'll see you later?" she asks and I nod.

I part ways with Julie and eventually find my boss. "Michael!"

He turns around and spots me. "Erin! How are you?" He walks over to me and gives me a small hug.

"I'm great," I smile. "I've been excited to get back into this! It's been too long."

"Love the enthusiasm. Now come on."

-

JOHN

I'm surprised at how well everything's going, to say the least. By this point in my other relationships, I'd have already fucked some other girl. The sad fact is that it's true. I would've.

Not this time, though. I'm determined to stay loyal to Erin. I have to. And surprisingly...it's become sort of effortless. Even when I've managed to get myself so high that I can barely remember my damn name, there's a coherent part of me that knows not to cheat. It's sort of weird.

Erin left not long ago to go do a photoshoot. I know that scene all too well. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her. As much as I'd have loved to go, there are too many things to do. I reckon it would also cause some trouble, seeing as I'd have to practically sneak into the building. What happens once I get inside could potentially be another issue in itself. I decided that it would be easier on both me and her that I stay back.

The phone rings and my thoughts are interrupted. I have to get to the Forum. It's the second night playing there. Erin, thankfully, missed the first show. She went to visit one of her friends, I think. I thought we could've done a lot better. I could've done a lot better. My hand has been acting up again, so I must have sounded dreadful last night. I hope it doesn't happen again. Erin's going to be at this one, and I don't want to make an embarrassment of myself. She's seen most of the shows, but now I feel more pressure to not royally fuck up our songs. It can be pretty humiliating.

I have yet to admit what happened with my hand to Erin. I've mentioned that it's been bothering me but left it at that. If screwing up a note or two is embarrassing, I can't even begin to explain what that would be like. I know she told me that she couldn't think that low of me. And I believe her when she says it, sure. But how are you supposed to not when you're being told that your boyfriend, out of his own stupidity, punched a light fixture and ruined part of a tour, and that's why his hand is permanently fucked up? It certainly doesn't paint me out to be rational.

I mean, shit. If I could go back and change all of it, I would. It makes me look like an asshole. To be fair, I am. I'm still having doubts about pursuing the relationship with Erin. The thought of cheating on her scares me because I've been able to do it so easily in the past. What if I lose interest? What if I hurt her? Then again, I've never cared so much to be scared of cheating. Fuck, I'm such a dick. And she knows it.