"Seriously, Joanna," Nolan begins, his anger evident. "Why did you even try if you were just gonna fuck it up?" A frown makes its way to my face.
I wasn't surprised that he was upset with me, it happened easily in recent days. I had tried to cook a few pieces of chicken and ended up burning them and ruining the pan, filling the whole house with smoke.
The pan sizzled as he ran it under cold water, my feet rooted in their place from recoil of his outburst. "I don't want to see you with another pan in this house." He sighed and tossed the pan angrily in the sink.
"I'm sorry. I wanted you to come home to a nice meal." I hug my arms to my body, his face softening the slightest.
"I know you mean well, Joanna, but now I need a new pan, and I need to order food." He walks past me, opening every window on his way to the bathroom.
I let out a groan and look toward the floor, do I just fuck everything up? I try to rid the thought from my head as I move around the room, quickly cleaning up my mess.
I had stayed at Nolan's for the weekend but I had class tomorrow and the time for me to go home was nearing. Not like anyone there was waiting for me, they were all tied up in their own things.
Mom was probably stuck in her own mind, smoking a joint and complaining about her own non existent issues. My younger sisters were probably trying to entertain themselves, playing with toys they were gifted on holidays. My two older siblings were either out with their own significant others or with my younger siblings trying desperately to keep them from falling into the same darkness we faced as children. It was a challenge we all took very seriously, keeping the girls out of harms way. Somewhat oblivious to the reality of the situation. The reality that none of us had fathers, and our mother was a broken shell of who she used to be.
The little light in our life was my grandmother. She had raised me most of my life another with the two children that followed behind me. Now being seven and thirteen, Joan and Alex were more interested in spending time with their mother who had the least amount of interest in them possible. But my grandmother stays, loving us all with a heart that doesn't change and a faith that never wavers. Her and my grandpa lived only 3 minutes down the road for my mother, my mom constantly taking advantage of their resources and being disrespectful in the process.
"Let's go." I'm pulled from my thoughts as Nolan walks towards me, a slight look of annoyance still on his face as he tosses a sweater my way. "You don't need to go out like that." His eyes scan over my tank top I had been lounging in while he worked.
"You didn't give me time to change." I mumble and pull the sweater over my head.
We make our way to his black ford fusion and the ride to the restaurant is short. I didn't bother asking where we were going, I already knew. He was heading to the bar we spent many days eating at. It was his place of choice all three years we had been dating. Even as high schoolers he would take me for burgers and we'd sit in the booth in the corner, me giggling as he snuck kisses between bites.
Nolan was a year older than me, graduating with the class ahead of me and spending more time at the bar after he'd get out of work at his fathers watch shop. He was only eighteen but it didn't seem to matter to the bartender considering the amount of drunk texts and calls I'd receive of him muttering nonsense, begging me to sneak out of my window and run to his apartment almost 2 miles away, and I sometimes agreed. I felt like there wasn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for him.
"What'll it be, baby?" The middle aged waitress asks with a specific interest in Nolan, like she did every other day when we went for dinner. And each time Nolan would shoot her a wide smile and bite his lip as he acts like it was such a hard decision before deciding on a steak. "And you?" She questions, suddenly seeming bored as her eyes stare up at the ceiling.
"I'm not hungry, thank you." She nods before striding off.
Nolan pulls his phone out, clearly not interested in finding out how my day went. "Hey," I begin and reach a hand out slowly, carefully grabbing his in mine. "I'm sorry about earlier. I really was just trying to do something nice for you. I'll replace the pan."
"I know." He mumbles, his hand unmoving beneath mine.
In an attempt to change the subject I sigh and let out a breath. "You wanna know something?" I question
"I guess." He replies shortly.
"My period was late an-" I'm cut off by him standing quickly from his place.
"Wait, what?" He places his hands on his hips. "Joanna, I'm sorry but I can't do this." He shakes his head quickly, causing me to stand from my place.
"What?" I take a step towards him and reach for his hand. "No, no I'm not-"
"It doesn't matter." He pulls his hand from mine. "Joanna the idea of having a child and being stuck with you, i cant handle that."
"I thought that you loved me." I reply, a tear sliding down my cheek.
"I did, but after high school I realized that my options weren't so limited. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry I let this go on so long."
-
"About damn time you get rid of him." My mother laughs to herself as we make our way down the road in our beat up scion.
"He got rid of me, Dara." She winced at the use of her birth name coming from her middle child, something I had become accustomed to doing in recent years after losing my respect for her on multiple occasions.
I stare down at the box of my things that I had been left with on the doorstep of Nolan's home. It contained things like photo albums and random tee shirts, makeup items and mementos from our time together. My heart ached seeing my toothbrush setting atop it all.
Why would he love me anyways? The voice in my head eats away at me. He wouldn't.
"I never liked the way he talked to you anyways." She takes a drag of her cigarette before flicking the tip of it out the window.
"He never liked how you talked to me." I mumble as the car comes to a stop.
"That's enough, Joanna. I gave birth to you. I'll talk to you any damn way I want." She exits the car before slamming the door behind her, making me jump slightly in my seat. I stay sat in my spot, the run down duplex I lived in 16 of my 18 years sitting before me taunting me.
I didn't realize when the tears had started streaming from my eyes, down my chin and into the inside of my sweatshirt. I didn't make any attempt to stop them either.
Now you'll never get out of here. You'll be stuck forever.
-
That's it for the first chapter! PLEASE let me know what you're thinking of it so far and how you're feeling.
