I want to want this (mick rawson x OC)

Chapter two

TW: Murder, nightmares, rape, miscarriage, alcoholism, mental Illness, parent loss, kidnapping, PTSD
(This chapter  also speaks of fate, and the universe instead of god and religion)

My breathing was heavy, and felt manual. You know when you think too much about breathing, and it feels like you forgot how to breathe.

By now I should be used to this, it has become a often recurrence. I lied back down. Begging to be able to go back to sleep. Peacefully.

I let my eyes close. Let my body relax. But I couldn't. I opened my eyes. Stared at the ceiling. Saw small marks that I almost mistook for bugs or spiders. One large one in the corner that I had to get out of my bed to make sure it really was just a mark and not a hole, or a bug, or possibly even a camera.

I lied back down again. Now my mind drifted to what I was going to wear in the morning. I thought about what clothes I had brought.
I thought of an outfit and let it go. Except I didn't. I kept thinking about it.

And up I was. Rummaging through my bag. Finding the clothes I had thought of. Going to the bathroom, switching on the light. And changing into the clothes. Testing if I would be comfortable. Be able to run, sit, all of it.

Not a sitting outfit. Scraping the outfit. I brought the duffle into the bathroom, letting it sit on top of the counter. Outfit after outfit. I found one that worked. Okay. Okay. Now I can rest.

Back to bed. This time I tried to let my brain not wander. Finally! Finally I slip into the stage between awake and sleep.

Vibrating from under my pillow.. goddamn it. My alarm. Building the courage I rolled out of my bed. Onto the floor. Somehow making it to my feet. Eyes barely open, and when they were, my vision was blurry. I made it to the bathroom. Turning the shower on.

I got out of the shower. Wrapping my hair in a towel. Then drying off my body, putting a bra and panties, along with my jeans. They're more of jeggings. Mascara. I forgot my mascara. Bad eyelash day equals a bad day.

Either way I took my hair out of the towel. By now it was mostly dry. I brushed through it. Not even caring about all the product I should put in it.

I put my shirt on. Walked out put my socks and shoes on. Got my stuff and got out. I was already five minutes late. I met the team in the lobby.

"You're late, Mercedes." Derek joked tapping his watch

"Don't act like you were on time. I heard you running down the stairs."

"Reid, Jj, Rossi, you guys take a car, Morgan, Falco take one, Prentiss You're with me." I got into the car with Derek. Derek was fun to talk to. He's funny.

"You look tired. You sneak that England guy into your room?" He always had the sly smirk

"I wish." I smiled of course I was joking

"Come on, you two were on that roof together for a long time."

"What about you and that Gina chick?"

"Not gonna happen, but seriously, why do you look so tired?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Bull."

"Nightmares again." There was no point lying to a profiler

"You need to talk to your therapist about these dreams, Sadie"

"I know. But there's no point. He can't fix them. Cant make them go away." I shrug it off

He pulled into the local station, next to the other suvs. As he opened his door to get out, my phone rang.