I was walking back to my room... at ng makapasok ako ay mabilis akong humiga sa kama
My heart is aching and so does my spirit, and it feels like i am becoming numb, again...
"Ayoko na, suko na ako," i whispered
Habang isa isang pumapatak ang mga luha ko
Ibinaon ko ang sarili kong muka sa unan while crying silently
"What's my purpose?" i asks, habang umiiyak pa din
I wept and wept and wept silently, ng biglang may nagsalita sa likuran ko
"Yan lang susuko kana?" she whispered
Kaya dahan dahan akong umupo at hinarap siya
She was standing a little bit far from me.
Her hair was fixed, and she was wearing a plain dress, but half of her face and body is hidden in the dark shadow
Mas lumamig ang temperatura ng hangin sa silid ko, ngunit ramdam ko ang sakit sa dibdib ko na siyang nag nanakaw ng hininga ko
"You don't know what happened," i told her
Then i saw her moved and slowly took a step towards me
"Ang alin ang hindi ko alam?" she asks
"Yung, napahiya ka? Yung nagka sala ka? Yung, may ginawa kang mali? Yung mga cheatings na ginawa mo?
Yung karumihan mo? Yun ba?" she added
Sandali akong napatingin sakaniya bago isa isang pumatak ang mga luha ko
"Oo! Ang babaw lang siguro non sa paningin mo, but it hurts! It hurts na naiiba ako sa pamilya ko!" i raised my voice
"It hurts that they are so faithful to the Lord, it hurts that they are so devoted, and it hurts na ibang iba ako sakanila!" i said
Then she took another step towards me, kaya medyo nakikita ko na ang muka niya dahil sa ilaw ng buwan
My room is covered with darkness, at tanging ang liwanag nalang ng buwan ang umiilaw sa amin
"Saan kaba naiiba?" tanong niya
I chuckled, "don't you see it? Everytime they cried, it is because of trials but not because they sinned! Pero ako? I cried because of my unfaithfulness, my unholiness! My sins! My... Unrighteousness!"
"At?" she responded
Kaya umiyak ulit ako
"And that's the reason why I don't want to continue, because maybe... Maybe i am not called, maybe... Maybe i am the black shepherd of this historically God's servant family, baka i am ---"
"Not called?" she cut me off
Mahina at umiiyak naman akong tumango
"Oo, baka yun yon... Desinyu lang talaga ako sa buhay nila, all along, i am not called, but i was just expecting,"
Then i heard her footsteps towards me hanggang sa naramdaman ko na nasa mismong harapan ko na siya, kaya tumingala ako at tinignan ko siya diretso sa kaniyang mga mata
Then i saw sympathy in her eyes but also courage at the same time
"Yan lang ba?" tanong nito
Not just that... Pero yun lang yung kaya kong sabihin
"Ruth, how do you explain your life's status? Bakit ka nandyan sa position mo ngayun?" tanong niya
I hesitated but still responded, "oo nga, pero... Maybe i am just a mistak--"
"Mistake? God never committed a mistake," she said
"Your leading people, your leading worship, your leading the church, because you are called..."
Tahimik lang ako, habang dumadaloy pa din ang mga luha ko
"Before ka iniligtas ng Panginoon, remember that he already knew you before ka nag came into existence, he already knew that you're going to sin, and sin, and sin, and sin..." she stated
Kaya mas umiyak pa ako, "I don't deserve him,"
And then i saw her smiled, "that's the point,"
Kaya napatingin ako sa sahig, "you don't deserve him, because you can't maintain faithfulness all the time, and he knows that, but he still keeps on loving you, because his love for you has never been dependent on your actions," saad niya
Kaya wala sa oras na napaluhod ako habang humihikbi
'Lord... Lord... Lord... Help me stand up... Lord... You're my everything...'
"Never think that his love depends on your actions, never believe that his love is limited, because he loves you kahit nuong nagkaka sala kapa," she said
Romans 5:8
[8]But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"He loves you at your worst, so do you think he'll stop loving you because you still keep on sinning?" sabi niya
And then i felt the spirit moving around me, kaya tuloy tuloy akong umiyak habang niraramdam yung presensya ng Panginoon
"Wag kang sumuko," she bravely said
"Never stop, because he never stop loving you," she added
Kaya tumango ako at dahan dahang tumayo
"If you were knocked down, then choose to stand up," she added
"If you can't stand up, then choose to crawl back... Crawl back to him," she continued
Kaya tumayo ako ng maayos at pinahiran ang mga luha ko habang niraramdam ko ang presensya ng Panginoon
'yes Lord, i will...'
"Continue-- choose to continue, warrior of God!" she added
Bago ako matapang na ngumiti habang pinag mamasdan ang babaeng nakatayo sa salamin
She... Was all along... me...
The one who chooses to encourage me if i felt defeated...
And so now, i choose to raise up and continue...
"I love you Jesus," i whispered bago ako ngumiti
