Charlie.- Completed

twenty four

Ryan gave me a thumbs up and the music I'd spent the morning recording before she got here started playing. It was just simple piano keys but it was hard to get it right with what I'd had in my head. 

"Usually never cry at all
I would say I'm pretty tough
But it's been a couple weeks now
And I still feel stuck in my lungs
And usually I go out on nights
And not think of you once
But if they start playin' that song
I can't help but to think about us."

I was reading the lyrics I'd written last night from the paper on the stand. I was glad I'd invested in a few instruments and tucked them into a cupboard over summer. I'd forgotten they were there until a couple months back. Luckily it was all stuff I could plug headphones into and I was up now almost every night doing something. 

It was just me and her in here today. I'd told her I needed it to just be us whilst I worked through these songs. I had started putting all my thoughts and feelings into writing because it made sense to me. 

I couldn't say these things out loud in conversation and I don't know if I ever could. But put some music on in the back and I can sing about them like it's second nature. I'm sure he'd have a reason for it. They'd have discussed things like this in his classes. 

He'd say it was something from my childhood. How I'd been taught to never speak my true feelings. And he'd tell me that if this was how I got them out then it was healthy. That if it meant doing this was healing me then he'd do whatever he needed to help. 

It was helping. I knew Ryan was taking everything in here back to the guys. I knew she was as worried about me as they were. She didn't try to hide it as much as they did. But she relaxed in here. Like she knew at least I was getting it out into the open. And I knew she could see me feel lighter after we did a first take of a new song. It was usually that first take where I'd cry. 

Not a full frontal sob. But tears streaming and cracks in my voice. 

I looked up and she gave me a soft smile. 

"Now if I get a little too drunk
I'll start thinkin', "What if you were the one?"
I know that the damage is done
And I still have the shirt that you wore
When we first met, it's there on the floor
I might kick it under the bed
Hopin' that I could forget that 

Last night for the very first time
You didn't even try to call
Oh, I won't lie, I thought I might die
I couldn't even sleep at all
And maybe I'll get used to it
But right now I just feel like shit."

The piano stopped and I looked back up at her. 

"The lyrics have been sat for a while." I could see her face. It looked like I was taking a step backwards to her when I turned up with this. I can see it now. She was worried I wrote this last night and I was still feeling that overwhelming sadness. 

I still felt sad and angry. But I was angry at myself for pushing him away and I was sad that I don't know if I could get him back. Would he even come back now that I'm leaving?  I can't tell him without telling the other guys because it will get straight back to them. 

"Ryan?" I stood up and walked to her slowly. "Can I ask you something and you promise me it will not get back to any of the boys? Just between us?" She looked at me and her baby blue eyes lit up. She'd been waiting for this. 

"Of course." She looked around and turned, moving towards a sofa in the corner of the room and patting it, telling me to join her. I sat down slowly, sitting on one ankle so I could face her. 

"I bought a house." 

"I'm sorry what?" 

"In Gran Canaria." 

"I'm so confused." She shook her head. "You bought a house in Spain?" 

"Yeah." 

"Why?" 

"To move into after graduation." 

"You're leaving?" I nodded slowly. 

"I think I need a fresh start away from here and family and everything. I'm constantly reminded of all the shit from the past year and I don't think it's making me any better." 

"They're not going to like that. Like not even a little." 

"I know. That's why I still haven't told them." I sighed. "But here is my big issue." 

"Noah right?" I nodded. 

"I've put all these songs together and clearly they're all about him, even the fucking covers. But how di I sing these to them at the show, knowing he'll know that I'm ready for the whole relationship thing with him, and then drop a bomb of oh I'm moving 2 and a half thousand miles away?" I sighed. I knew she couldn't help. 

"So you do want to try with him?" 

"I think so? I don't know. I think I've fucked it up big time. I don't think I'm scared of it now because in my head I've already lost him right? Like I know he's there constantly and he's made it clear he won't leave, but our relationship, friendship, it's gone."

"I guess that makes sense." She shifted in her seat.  

"And I'm only mad at myself now for hurting him so fucking bad. I don't know if he wants me still, I don't know if he's moved on or anything. So I don't even know how to start that up. But is it worth starting because I'll be leaving in like 5 months or something." 

"Loz." She sighed and grabbed my hands. "I know we've not been friends that long but I've seen the way Noah looks at you. It's different to how the others look at you. It's with a deeper love and admiration. Its so much more extreme than what they do. And I know those boys would move the earth for you. I'm slightly concerned that they're going to leave with you and leave me here." She chuckled and I smiled half heartedly. "And I know for a fact Noah will not let you go alone."  I moved back into the sofa as she dropped my hands slowly and I grumbled. 

"What a fucking mess growing up is."