Live for You

Traumatized

Wednesday's POV

 The new principal is Xavier's father. He is reasonably nice, I believe. He held a meeting with us the day we returned. Our little group. Everyone involved. Me, of course. Enid, also of course. Eugene, for what Thornhill had done to him and what he'd done to her. Bianca, for her help fighting Crackstone. Divina, since she was in charge of evacuating the school with her siren song, and Ajax, for his knowledge of the Nightshades and the school. Xavier, for his false claims and the relationship he had with the rest of us, and Yoko, for her own relationships. Lucas, for his knowledge of Jericho and what happened to his father. 

 Vincent Thorpe the principal is not overly nice but not strict. As long as you respects him he respects you, and no problems. He is a classic businessman, suit and tie and toothbrush mustache. He told us that we could go back to classes when we were ready, and that our new dorm mom, one of Eugene's moms who he'd convinced would be good for her and who was really nice and relaxed, would be able to answer questions. He warned his son from wrongs and left.

 I am sitting on my bed. Trying to process.

What is this feeling? WHAT IS THIS FEELING. I should not have any feeling at ALL, but I do. I shouldn't! I shouldn't feel anything. BUT I DO. WHY DO I FEEL THINGS. This is so stupid. Feelings are a waste of time... but how much time do I really have? HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE. Am I actually just a pawn in a bigger game? Are there more threats than I know? What the fuck is happening to me. 

 Why do I feel? 

 He's not worth my feelings. 

 Tyler Galpin. Oh my god. I literally cannot. My heart stops at the mention of his name, and I cannot think straight about him. I don't know what it is, my mind just goes blank, it's like there's nothing I can do anymore about that bitch. He played me like a fool. I was finally starting to understand why friends and feelings are needed in the world, and then he up and tries to kill me. I would have died, too, if it wasn't for Goody and her sacrifice.

 I don't know what I'll do without her guidance, but I'll have to figure it out. That's basically how everything is right now-just cross that bridge when we come to it, and don't overthink in advance. But I always do overthink, because I can't feel, I shouldn't, but I do, he made me. He kissed me with the secret on his lips, hiding just in his mouth but he wouldn't spill until I had to torture him. 

 And now he was torturing me! I didn't know what he was doing, where he was. I hoped he was dead. Or did I? Did I still gave the slightest lingering feeling that he didn't deserve death. What if it wasn't him, just Laurel's affect on him, and the chemicals and his condition overwhelming him? Or what if it really was him. HOW COULD I KNOW?!

 And then there's Enid. She's traumatized as well. I can see it in her. Ever since we got back from break she hasn't been nearly as bubbly. She gave me a happy greeting, of course, but she can't do any more than that, I can see her trying but she can't manage the radiation of usual joy and happiness surrounding her. Usually I'd call that radiation annoying, but I can't, I've learned to get used to it. As much as it pains me to admit, I've grown quite fond of that one. She's learned to accept who she is, and I respect that. I've done that, too. Unfortunately this means everyone thinks of me as crazy. But if everyone just learned to get along with other people the world would be infinitely better.

 Not that I cared about other people's feelings very much, except my friends, but possibly people will be scared-er of me if they truly found the monster I was. And that was a problem as well. The one thing I truly needed was help. I really, really hated to admit it, and that was exactly why when everyone TRIED to help me it went all wrong and everyone got scared. No one had helped me before because they didn't know. I was cruel and I had to hurt myself. Enid would flip out if she knew. But the self-harm scars were needed.