FORGIVE ME

Chapter Four

"Life is heavy, and I have lost my strength."~ D.W. Kutcher

Traveling through this new dimension of existence felt paralyzing. I cannot recall how long that I have been here only that the same events that got me here were on constant replay.  Where my heart use to be has felt empty and there is a void in me that I still haven't been able to comprehend. There was a light that started to flicker beside me but the only thing about this time was I was actually hesitant about following this light because last time I was not prepared for what I had seen.

As I walked towards the light this time there was another door that held my fate on the other side. Reaching for the handle I stopped myself and whispered, "I can't do this." I slowly pulled my hands back and rubbed them together as I began pacing in a circle. "I can't do this by myself what if I see something that I don't want to see?" There was no telling what I would see behind these doors. Shit what if it was my funeral, I don't think that I could stomach that thought.

"I'll go with you" I heard a voice say coming from behind me. I was too scared to turn around because I thought that no one could hear me and that I was all alone in this void of existence. "Who said that?" I asked turning around slowly but I didn't see anyone. "Shit I must be losing my mind for real now?" I thought to myself. "I did mommy" said the voice again as I felt a tug on my legs. Looking down I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears. "I don't think I am your mommy baby, but I can help you find her." I said to the little boy squatting down eye level to him. He giggled and said, "you're so funny mommy". Looking at the little boy I started to realize that he almost kind of looked like me, the similarities were uncanny. This could not have been my baby boy he died at 3 months, and he was definitely a few years older than that.

"What's your name baby?" I asked taking the little boy's hands and sitting on the floor. He looked at me with these eyes that you just couldn't look away from. Before he spoke, he stood up and sat in my lap holding my face with one hand and my heart in the other. "My name is Amor, and it means love." My mind felt like it was short circuiting, but my heart felt timeless. This is my baby that I couldn't remember holding. This baby was my heart in human form, my lifeline, the moon and the stars.

Taking a deep breath in I needed time to understand what is happening. There was this silence between us but somehow it wasn't awkward. It was a good silence one that just gave us time to absorb everything. My mind wanted to ask so many questions, but really only two of those questions really mattered at the moment. "You know I love you with my heart? I bet you must think I am crazy for getting myself here. Giving up on life when you didn't even get a chance to live." I looked away from Amor because after saying that sentence out loud it hurt more. If I could trade places with him, I would and I want Amor to know that. " I know you would mommy." He said rubbing my cheek. "How did you know what I was thinking?" I said giggling at him. "Even in death my spiritual ties with you never left. I have always been a part of you feeling every emotion that you have felt. Every tear that you have dropped I have been there to catch them. Every dark thought I have been there to rub your brain to ease your mind, but I guess this time your pain was too much even for me to bare." Then there was that silence again, but this time it was different.

Looking at Amor he seemed sad, "You shouldn't have had to bare or feel anything you are a child. At least not the pain that I burdened onto you. Look at you in this place all alone by yourself I won't leave you again I Promise." My baby boy had taken on so much and in so little time. "You can't promise me that mommy because there are people out there that need you more than I do. I have been gone for a long time, but I have never left your side. I am not here alone you summoned me here. Even in your darkest times you think of me. I will always love you mommy but this pain inside you have to let go of it if not all then some. This pain and hurt that you carry will consume you. Forgive yourself because what could you have done it was my fate. We can't outrun our fate, but this right here isn't yours." He said as he stood up holding his hand out for me to stand up with him.

As I stood up with him, I bent down to pick him up "I love you so My Love." I said planting a kiss on his little cheek. "I Love You Too Mommy Always and Forever" he said kissing me on my cheek and hugging me as tight as he could. Out of the blue the door started to flash brighter but this time the lights began to flicker. "You have to go mommy." he said giving me a smile trying to cheer me up. "I know." I said putting him down and walking towards the door. As I placed my hand on the doorknob I could begin to feel all those sharp knife stabbing pains from before. I began to twist the doorknob slowly opening the door and started to scream but my voice was empty. I screamed and screamed but nothing came out. My throat began to hurt, and I started gasping for air. Looking my baby into his eyes he looked worried but continued to smile through it anyway. Water began to fill my lungs and I began coughing up water what felt like gallons of it.

Amor gave me one last goodbye and whispered, "I'll see you later mommy." He held my head for a while and began to rub my head with his tiny hands. Then the world went blank again. "Goodbye my love"

My eyes were closed but all I could hear were the beeping of machines. I started to make out what seemed like voices, and I could feel people holding my hands. All I could think about was Amor and I'm going to miss him. I decided that it was time to open my eyes and finally come back to my reality and live it for my baby. 

When I opened my eyes, my entire family was there, and I was surrounded by flowers and other plants as if I had my own private botanical garden. I began coughing and panicking because I couldn't breathe with all the tubs attached to me. My mom ran out of the room screaming for a nurse, doctor, hell somebody anybody. My grandma Rose was on the other side of me holding my hand for me to calm down teaching me to breathe through the tubs. "Welcome back baby I knew you would come back." She said rubbing my head and kissing my forehead. 

Yea feels good to me back.................