A New Life

23.

(Three Days later...)

(Brittany's POV)

"Thanks for meeting me" Jax says, grateful that I agreed to have coffee with him. "It's okay, sorry it's taken a few days. I just need some time" I say as he sits down, placing a cup of decaf coffee in front of me. "So, how have you been? Good Christmas with the kids." he asks, nervously playing with the rim of his coffee cup. "Yeah it was good." I say, keeping my answers short. "And Santana? She okay?" the small talk is making my toes curl. "She's fine." I say raising my brow at him. "What did you tell her?" Jax asks nervously. "The truth." I say, watching the colour of Jax's face drain away. "Don't worry, she doesn't want to kill you. She actually sympathised with you." Jax's face goes from being mortified to confused within a split second.

"She said you're probably just scared and that I should hear you out...so here I am." Jax looks down for a few moments, before lifting his head back up, I see the tears in his eyes. "I am scared, paralysed with fear about all of this. How to support you, a new baby. Any man can be a father but it takes something special to be a Dad. And I am not special enough, I have no idea what I am doing here, I don't know how to take care of a baby. I don't know how to make sure he isn't a fuck up like me..." I have never seen Jax look so vulnerable. "You're not a fuck up" I say, jumping to his defence quick. "I got a woman pregnant when I was a kid myself, got myself kicked out of home. I won't be able to dance properly again, I am on the cusp of losing you and I am nowhere ready to be a father. My Dad was an arsehole, he wasn't a role model I could look up to. I don't want to be that guy, I don't want this kid growing up afraid of me and hating me like I did my Dad. I have nothing to offer this kid...so it's better if I am not in it's life."

I am stuck for words, I feel like a total jackass for just upping and leaving him in the midst or a hormonal rage. I never had any idea he felt like this and I have painted him out to be the bad guy to everyone else. "You haven't lost me" I reach my hand across the table and take his in mine. "Look at me, you haven't lost me" I assure him, but I can tell he isn't convinced. "Britt, you upped and left and came to another country on Christmas Eve, so forgive me if I don't quite believe you." Jax says with a light scoff. "I know...I know. I don't have a real excuse for that other than acting before I think. And I think we know my track record with that." I say putting myself down. "Hey, you can't keep beating yourself up about what you did to Santana. You have to forgive yourself, that's almost as important as needing Santana to forgive you...plus, if you hadn't this never would have happened, so I sorta win" Jax winks as he points between us.

"So...where do we go from here? Do you want to be with me? Do you want this baby?" I ask Jax, searching deep into his eyes for an answer. "I want to be with you, so badly...but-" I cut him off, knowing exactly how his sentence was about to end. "You're scared". He slumps in defeat. "I-I don't know if I am cut out for being a Dad Britt, I just...I feel so torn." he says, I can see the battle he is having with himself in his mind. "I hear you and I appreciate and respect the honesty. But I am about to pop this baby in a matter of months, I don't want to be pushing this baby out of my vagina not knowing where we stand. I get you're scared and you haven't done this before and you have all of these doubts, but if I had any doubts in my mind, I wouldn't have been so okay with getting pregnant. I think all these fears you have will actually make you a better father because you'll be working everyday to make sure you don't become like your father. I love you and I love our life, but I won't force you to do something you're not comfortable with."

Jax ponders on my words before speaking. "I have to fly back to Miami, I have a job interview....Can I think about it?" he asks playing with his fingers. "Jax seriously!? This isn't me asking what you want for dinner, you can't think about it. The fact you aren't sure, just tells me what I think I already know?!" I say starting to get teary eyed. "Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realise that right now we are okay. And we will be okay, there is only so many times I can say this to you. Go back to Miami and think about it." I get up abruptly much to Jax's dismay. "I do love you Britt" he says taking a hold of my wrist. "I know." I say before leaving the coffee house and heading back to Santana's.