I can't believe you just said that.
"Not my best moment," I mutter.
Coach Carson starts choking on his own saliva. "What'd you say, boy?"
Coach Murphy looks plain terrified. "What do you mean? Are you saying you're one of those hermaphrodites or something?"
"No sir. I don't have a penis. But that's the problem. See, I'm a girl."
Coach Carson's eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. "Jesus Christ, Thomas! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?"
Coach Murphy says, "Ho-leee crap."
"I don't know, sir. How about you let me play for the team?" I say.
He shakes his head and stares at me. Then he shakes his head some more. "I don't know, Thomas. There might be liability there. And the other players... I don't think they'd take it so well. It seems like a real bad idea. I mean real bad."
"I made the team fair and square, sir. You're going to kick me off for that? Because I happen to be a girl? I may not have a penis, but I sure as hell have balls."
I'm wee-wooing again. I don't know where that bravado came from. I might be suffering from the early stages of an anxiety attack. I grind my teeth for good measure.
"Would you stop saying penis, Thomas? It's making me uncomfortable. Damned uncomfortable," Coach Carson says.
"Sorry, sir." I'm not sorry at all.
Coach Carson covers his mouth with his hand and presses his thumb and forefinger against his face, making his cheeks bunch up like a chipmunk. He's thinking. I bet this is the last thing on earth he ever thought he would have to think about. He sighs. The deep sigh of a man bewildered.
"Tell you what. Coach Murphy and I are going to have ourselves a chat with Principal Harvey. We'll let you know what she says. Now you go on to the locker room...the women's locker room...and cool down. Okay? You're so red you're practically purple, for God's sake," he says, pointing at my face.
With that, I grab my helmet and start walking towards the parking lot. My sister will be finished soon, but I don't care anymore. I know what the principal will say. I know what the coaches will say. I jerk open the car door, fling my crap into the passenger seat, and lower my forehead to the steering wheel with a groan.
Ever since tryouts, something like hope for the first time in a long time bubbled out of me. When you wake up every morning with nothing but dread in the pit of your stomach, and then suddenly one day you wake up and have something to look forward to, it hits hard when that gets taken away. I guess I've been in denial about the reality of this situation.
But the thing is, when I was running across that field and no one could catch me, it was liberating.
Transcendent even.
Like my body isn't a burden, but light as air.
After my brother was gone, I dreamed that I would run on and on, chasing him. He would always be a few yards ahead of me, but I never tired. I would wake up and remember, sobbing because the dream wasn't real. Sometimes, even if it were in the middle of the night, I would get up, put on my shoes and headlamp, and hit the pavement. Where we used to live, we had hundreds of miles of bike paths that carved long cement trails through the forest. It used to drive my mom nuts that I ran them at night. She was afraid I'd get assaulted or abducted or something. But I didn't care. I needed to run.
Running was an escape. Like I could run back in my mind to a time when things were still good. I would imagine him riding his bike next to me, urging me on like he used to.
YOU ARE READING
RUNNING BACK
Teen FictionI have a lot of secrets. Trying out for my new school's football team disguised as a boy is only the beginning. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm developing a disturbing crush on a teammate. But that's not my worst secret. Nobody here knows I ha...
