nightmares and daydreams

drifting away

No

Please no

"Mom!"

"Dad!?"

I thrashed against the water struggling to stay afloat as the violent currents threatened to drag me down with them.

"Dad, please help me!"

Tears stream down my face as I stare at my father who was standing, close enough to touch me if he reached out . Standing next to him was my mom, looking down at me with no emotion in her eyes.

"Mom!? Dad!?"

I kick around desperately, trying to keep the waves from going down my throat and into my lungs. I try to reach out for them, but my failure leads to a salty taste in my mouth and the feeling of water in my lungs.                                                                                      

  "Why aren't you helping me!?"

Slowly, my mom starts stepping closer to me. She crouches down and reaches her hand out to my drowning body. Relief comes crashing down instantly,thinking I was going to be saved.

How stupid could I be?

She strokes my wet hair, calming me down. I slowly stop struggling in the water, allowing myself to float on top of the peaceful waves. I'm going to be saved. I'm going to live.

And then a hand pushes my head under the ice.

I reach out for the surface, gasping for air when I finally managed to pull my head above water. The liquid burns in my eyes and throat, and I'm not sure whether my ears are fully functional anymore. I shake my head, trying to get the water out of my eyes so I can see my mom. My mom, who was still crouching in front of me. 

I finally took in my mom's expression. There wasn't a lack of emotion on her face. There was definitely emotion - joy, happiness. Peace. I look at my father, who starts tugging my mom back to join him. He leans in close to her ear, and the next thing I know is that she's laughing, giggling her cute, round face off as they turn and start walking away.

The water pulls down on my body harder, and I know I'm losing this fight.

"M-mom." I manage to choke out. Barely. I don't think they heard me. If they did, they would have turned back around. They would have come to help me. 

But my dad stopped walking. He slowly turned his head around, with the happiest expression I've seen on his face. An expression that I've never seen before.

"We don't want you. We've never wanted you."

And then they walked away. 

To their happily ever after. 

To their mornings of love and their evenings of peace and their days filled with happiness and joy, 

leaving behind their daughter's dead body, drifting away to the gates of hell.

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author's note - to the very few people out there who are reading this;

yes, this is my nightmare and 

yes, it is pretty traumatizing, but 

i write as a way to express and understand myself. i process my emotions better when i write them out. so, this is actually helpful for me.

if any of you find yourself relating to me, fear of parents and abandonment, i am so sorry you're dealing with this. you aren't the only one though, and if you need it, im always here to listen.

you deserve better.

so let's do something; let's fix our posture, get ahead in life, go to the people who ever looked down on us or made us feel as if we weren't enough, and give them hell, okay?

                                                                                                                                                          love you all, melody