Accio Lightsaber: Return of Skywalker

Episode I

To Kylo Ren - Supreme Leader of the First Order, heir of Darth Vader, the most powerful man in the galaxy - the planet Earth was somewhat underwhelming. He wasted no time exploring the planet from orbit before he landed his ship at his chosen co-ordinates.

Years ago, when Kylo had overheard Luke Skywalker - his poor excuse of an uncle - telling the other younglings at his failed Jedi academy about Hogwarts, Kylo had know he would visit the place one day. Anywhere his grandpa Darth Vader went, Kylo would too. He was following in his footsteps as best he could.

Darth Vader had been the most powerful man in the galaxy. (He had been the tallest, too - Kylo had always suspected he hadn't got his height from his mother and he refused to accept that he had gotten anything from his father). While Kylo was certain that he was now the strongest man in the galaxy having taken the title Supreme Leader, he wanted to make sure he had done everything he could to secure the position. The last thing he needed was another Skywalker turning up to ruin things.

He landed his TIE silencer perfectly and climbed out the hatch. Stretching out his long limbs - that he was sure his grandfather would have been proud of - he inspected his surroundings. The courtyard he had landed in was older than even Skywalker. A handful of humans dressed in odd robes stopped to stare at him and he did his best not to force choke them as he walked by.

There was a grumpy man dressed all in black waiting for him when he reached the entrance to the castle. So far, Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had failed to meet his expectations. Surely Darth Vader had gone somewhere else. Somewhere more impressive. But Kylo knew the co-ordinates he had taken from Skywalker's secret diary were correct. He could feel it in the Force. Perhaps this man would clear things up.

"Landing ships on school grounds is not permitted," the man said bitterly. "You must remove your ship, or I shall have the house elves dismantle it. Piece. By. Piece."

Kylo's hand went to hilt of his lightsaber. "I am the Supreme Leader. If anyone touches my ship, I'll kill them."

The man sighed. "Alright, boy. You are the second dunderhead to arrive this week. You're nothing special, no matter what title you might give yourself. In my school, there's no room for this play-pretend Jedi nonsense."

Kylo snarled. "Jedi? There are no Jedi. Skywalker is gone."

"Interesting." The man was quiet for a moment, his beady eyes darting between Kylo and something behind him. "Perhaps your Skywalker is gone from your part of the galaxy. Unfortunately here we have a Skywalker of our very own."

Feeling his blood boil, Kylo spun to see what the man was looking at. A girl was looking at his ship, her fingers just inches away from the polished bodywork. His fingers curled into fists. Not only was she daring to touch what was his, but she was the one who had almost ruined his rise to unlimited power.

"She arrived before me. Impossible." He spoke the words to himself, but the man who had formerly addressed him answered with a comment of his own.

"Ah, so you do know our newest student. She arrived just last week and has already made it to the top of all her classes. Another Gryffindor insufferable know-it-all."

Kylo had no idea what a Gryffindor was and he was too angry to ask about it. If Rey had made it all the way out here before him, it meant Skywalker had told her the same stories about Darth Vader as he had his other students. It meant he had told her what he had never told Kylo.

The crimson blade of his lightsaber burst forth and Kylo cut down a few of the strangers in the crowd surrounding his TIE. Some of the survivors raised twigs at him and uttered words he didn't understand, then his lightsaber was pulled from his hand. Grunting, Kylo called on the Force and summoned his lightsbaber back.

He was about to finish the crowd when the grumpy man interrupted him. "Do stop murdering my students. As much as I would enjoy life without them, I don't have the time to fill out all this paperwork."

Kylo narrow his eyes at him. "Perhaps I should just kill you, then. The dead have no need for paper or work."

The man was unaffected by the threat. He merely stared back at Kylo. "I've come across one like you before. He wanted to be the most powerful student in this school, and so he became the most powerful. He even destroyed our very own special Chosen One."

"You speak of Darth Vader."

"I speak of Anakin Skywalker."

Kylo let his lightsaber blade retract. "You will teach me the ways of the Dark Side. You will do it, or I will burn this school to the ground and leave you with no one to help you fill out the paperwork. Thousands of corpses will have to be identified. Thousands of letters will need your signature."

"Do not make the mistake of threatening me," the man said. "I will enrol you in this school, not because of your idle words, but because you will win Slytherin the House Cup. The Sorting Hat needs not be placed upon your head. It's clear what you are."

"I am the Supreme Leader."

The man stepped to Kylo's side and redirected his gaze towards Rey, where she had stepped back from the TIE and was trying to help the younglings Kylo had slaughtered in his rage. "She is neither special nor important, and I will not have my House losing the Cup because of her."

He turned back to Kylo. "Your Darth Vader almost destroyed Gryffindor when he was here. I wonder if you would do any better."

"I will finish what he started." Kylo tucked his lightsaber back onto his belt and did his best to uncurl his fists. "I will destroy this Gryffindor. And I will defeat Skywalker."

The man smiled. "Welcome to Hogwarts."