I am a topper? or at least everyone calls me one. But I'm sick and tried of life now. I have never felt like a topper. I always got really good marks but there was always other people who almost got the same marks as me. I worked so hard and studied all day to get great marks but I never got full marks. And then there are people who are having the time of their life and they never study enough are very disrespectful to teacher and never complete their homework or notebook. People who are the exact opposite of me, who never try hard.........yet still only get a few marks less than me. I am frustrated with myself because I am not smart, I have to try as hard as I do just to be above average. So what happens to me when all these people start working hard? I don't want to believe that marks matter or that our grades define us....but what is its the only thing that I can do? I am not good at sports. I am not good in music. I am not good in dancing. I am not artistic. I am not smart enough to do math. I am nothing. I am absolutely nothing. I thought I was smart, I thought I could be my school's topper but there are SO MANY PEOPLE better than me, smarter than me......happier than me. I know the grass is always greener on the other side and stuff but I am struggling so much. I am struggling so much to just remain a bit above average. It is so unfair that I work so hard and do everything perfectly on time but it's never enough, it's never the best, it's never worth anything. Every test, every revision, every class discussion keeps on reminding me of how much I am lacking. But I'm already studying all the time and trying to improve myself. But it feels as if the whole universe is telling this is how far I'll go. But I don't have anything other than my grades to prove myself. I am useless and insignificant. And I'm SO SO SO scared, because even though I know I won't fail not getting 99% feels like the worst thing in the world. Its like I have not reason to live without it. And there are so many people I wanna do better than because those people don't deserve to do better than ,e. I have worked harder than them. I have been more diligent than them. SO WHY ARE THEY DOING BETTER THAN ME?? All I wanted was to prove to myself that I am good enough for me since I am never good enough for anyone around me but I have realized that I am not even good enough for myself anymore. I am struggling so much now and I haven't even had to do anything important yet. So I just have one last wish : that I fade away before I fall down.
But
I hope I can find it in myself to forgive me. for not being talented. for working hard yet never showing results. for not being pretty. for not learning any skill when i was young. for being so unaccomplished. for always being sad. for not having a great extroverted personality. for never being anyone's favorite.
