Stoking The Fire

Chapter Nineteen

I'm not really sure how long this goes on, but finally he breaks away from me with a gasp, getting up to pace the room with a frustrated growl. Meanwhile, I nearly weep with frustration at the loss of his touch. I lay there with my eyes closed, unable to move and unsure what to do next, when he rejoins me on the bed and just curls up beside me, burying his face in my shoulder as he wraps his arm around my waist.

"God, I'm trying to be good and obey the doctor's orders so you don't end up back in that hospital bed, but it's so hard." he mutters frustratedly. My smartass switch immediately flips. "That's what she said." I murmur, chuckling. I feel him go rigid against me, and then he starts laughing helplessly.

"I love you so much, you sarcastic goofball." he manages to get out between laughs, and I turn and look at him sadly. I reach out and stroke the side of his face, and he looks up at me with a smile, then his face turns serious. He sits up and shakes his head, expression grave.

"No, no, no. No you're not going to run away from me this time, Kari. I know you're scared. I'm scared shitless too. I'm so scared I'm going to fuck this all up like I fuck up everything else good I've ever had in my life. I look at you every day and I can't help but wonder how I managed to even meet someone so amazingly strong and beautiful and brilliant, let alone get to be so lucky to call such a divine being my friend. And now that I've finally pulled my head out of my ass, I can see just how much pain you've been in, and how much you've been hiding from me all this time. I think I was being willfully blind - I didn't want to read too much into what I was seeing, scared that I was only projecting what I really wanted to see and the reality wasn't ..." he just trails off. All I can do as I lay there and look at him is remember a comment Greg had once made about how the two of us were more alike than I thought, especially with the stubborn to a fault bit.

"I realize I've got a lot of lost time to make up for, but, baby, I can't live without you. I can't bear the thought of you leaving my side for a minute, and not knowing just how fucking much you've changed my life just by being you, and how much you mean to me." He trails off again, and I can't take the look on his face anymore. I work myself into a sitting position and wriggle myself around to where I'm in a better position to get close to his face.

"I love you too, you stubborn bastard." I whisper, as I pull his face over to mine and kiss him like I've always dreamed of doing. He makes a shocked noise against my mouth, and we end up back down on the bed again. After a few minutes he tries to pull away again, but this time I stop him. He looks at me, unsure.

"Kari, the doctor-" he starts, and I nod. "I know, I trust you to be gentle." He just looks at me, still locked in some internal battle. "Remember that day in the kitchen, when you first hugged me and told me to ask you for anything I needed?" He frowns, but nods. He opens his mouth to speak but I shake my head and stop him. "I lied to you when I nodded, because I knew I would never tell you the one thing that I needed more than what feels like life itself, some days. And that something is just you, Nick. I need you. I need all of you. I need that dirty little grin you make at our inside jokes, and those thoughtful pauses you make when something hits you a certain way, and the compassion you show the world despite everything it's put you through, and the way you handle kids so well like you did Maddie earlier..." I pause, and smile.

"I need the way you make me laugh when you know I'm getting pissed off, and the way my heart soars when I can make you smile when you're getting pissed off as well. I need those stupid little phone calls we have when we're apart, and one or both of us is driving somewhere and we can't stand the silence in the car because the other one of us isn't there. I need the way just a brief touch in passing between us can quell our tension and bring us back to level. I need the way my body craves just five more seconds when we touch all too infrequently. Gods, I need... Everything." I say, with a shaky sigh.