Forgiveness And Other Things Take II

Fuck this is hard for me and yet at the same time easy

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: Topic of Rape/SA as well as manipulation, psychological, and emotional abuse, self loathing, and depression...⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️⚠️⚠️

June 9th 2017.
That was the day it happened. The day you took away my choice. I remember your scent, how you felt touching me and inside of me. Those beautiful yet hideous green eyes of yours that have haunted me at first faintly and now I can picture them any time. You hurt me and didn't care. I was young and naive and thought you loved and cared about me but if I had known then what I know now-heh I'd have known that love cannot and will not form within the span of a month. That is foolish thinking and it is what allowed me to let down my walls and gave you the ability to hurt me. Then within the span of another month you dropped me and left me for someone else. I was relieved and yet at the same time heartbroken by it. I still recall the racing thoughts forming in my head, deciding that I didn't want to have such a level of intimacy with you, the question thrown into the air waiting for an answer that wasn't meant to be spoken. Because you weren't asking. You were telling me. You were taking my choice away by ramming into me, choking me on my words. You looked me dead ass in the eyes and informed me with so much pride in your voice, a cocky crooked grin plastered on your face but the worst part is the words you spoke had a bit of sweetness to them: "baby, you're not a virgin anymore." What pisses me off is you looked at my face, my body. Into my eyes before, during and after entering me. You stayed inside of me despite my protests telling you to get the fuck out of me, granted half of them may not have actually been voiced but that was due to the amount of pain you put me through!! Even when they were finally vocalized, thanks to your statement on the status update of my sexual experience, you did not listen!! No as I'm writing this I've realized that you listened when you wanted to, I told you to hold on and don't move, you stayed still for a second then moved. Twice we went through that game of "don't move, fuck what you say bitch I'm moving if I want" and that was when I finally told you to get out of me and yet the fact of the matter is that you still didn't listen right away.

Ooooooooo GOD in heaven help me tame my rage and heal my pain.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY I AM WITH YOU

I'M EVEN MORE PISSED OFF WITH MYSELF FOR KEEPING YOU IN MY HEAD AND HEART FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE.

You have no idea how much I want to hate you, how much I wanted to hurt you. I remember you hitting me up repeatedly wondering if I missed you at all and coming to meet me at my university. Shit man I still see you there, in my house. Fuck you're in my head and I can't get rid of you as easily as you tossed me aside. You left the state. Moved on, got engaged and maybe even got married to the chick you dumped me through text for. I wonder were you seeing us both at the same time for y'all to have been able to make your relationship public with the world? I was nothing more than a play thing to you. It's fine, it's really not but I needed to learn how the world works sometime didn't I. Cause I ain't experienced enough pain and abandonment before I met you right?? I was going somewhere with this...oh yeah right I forgive you. Looking at your pictures makes me sick as fuck because I know you're most likely stepping out on the woman you chose to spend your life with but you ain't my problem anymore. Judging from the pictures of you she's got dude you look sick as hell. And she looks healthy and happy, they say love is blind. I think they're right.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Is it wrong of me to be praying that you never have children? That try as you might you will never bring offspring into the world? Because God only knows what would happen if that were ever actually come to fruition.

I'm called to forgive in order to be forgiven. You're the only one I struggle with forgiving. I made peace with my father and stepmother and stepsister hurting me easier than I have with what you put me through. But this is step one on that journey to get to where I want to be in life.

So let's. Fucking. Go.