Second Chances

Chapter 6

My day-after-Drew was spent in bed. I needed to think. Post-divorce, I had now had two meet-and-greet sexual encounters - Drew and Haden. Both of those had resulted in sex that was better than any other I'd experienced. I wondered what that said about me. Then I decided not to think about it too intently. But I needed to be completely honest with myself and admit that I wanted more sex with Drew. Did I miss our friendship? Not really. That happened a long time ago. Did I want to see if we could have a romantic relationship? No. That wasn't even on my radar. Was I dying for him to put his penis inside me again? Oh, yes. I couldn't even think about it without needing new panties. I was even at the point where I was willing to forget that he might be cheating on someone else in order to be with me. So probably it was best that I had no way to contact him. 

When I discussed this with Kendra, she rolled her eyes at me. "Seriously, Hales, you're being ridiculous. You loved sex with Drew. So go back to his house, bang on the door, apologize for the fuck and flee, and set up a schedule. If the two of you make it exclusive, your risk of infection decreases, you have a healthy physical release, and it's with someone you're deeply attracted to. It's a win-win."

"I'm not ready for any kind of commitment," I said. "Besides, even if he said it was exclusive, it might not be. He could be lying."

Kendra shook her head. "Haley, not every man cheats."

"Yeah, but Kendra, a fuck-buddy? That just seems to reek of infidelity."

"Why?" She narrowed her eyes at me as she said, "You know, Haley, there are people who like sex, but don't really want to fuck a million people. They want someone who rocks their world without actually being their world, and they don't want to deal with a possible pregnancy or STIs. They make their own rules. You could do this and stop whining about not getting an orgasm from your parade of one-night stands."

"Kendra, it's not like I'm running out and having sex with strangers every weekend. And how am I supposed to know if someone's going to give me an orgasm or not?"

Kendra raised her hands in surrender. "You're right. You're not promiscuous. Including Drew, you've probably had sex with four people since your divorce. I just worry about you."

Five, I thought to myself, but I never told you about the first. "You worry about me because of my sex life?" I lifted an eyebrow.

She pulled me into a big hug. "No. I just worry about you. You run from any type of commitment, you don't trust men at all, and you still think about going back to your ex sometimes."

"I don't."

Kendra sighed. "You do. And I get it. You were with him for more than a decade. You wanted to have babies with him. You didn't need him to, but he took care of you. And even though you found out what a fucking bastard he was, there are still times when I know you're remembering what it was like when you weren't alone."

I hated that she knew this about me. But I knew there were times when she thought about her own ex-husband. Even though he beat the shit out of her, there were also times when he had been tender and sweet. It was twisted and wrong, but those times were just as real as the horrible ones. And sometimes brains couldn't figure out what parts were necessary to remember in order to stay safe. Especially when, in the midst of the loneliness, something familiar felt compelling and important.

I was still thinking about this when I went to work Monday morning.

I loved my job. One of the perks of having a husband who often traveled for work (translation: banged any female he could while telling me he was on a work trip) and wanted to put off having children (in retrospect, thank my fucking stars!), was that I had a lot of free time. In the early months of our marriage, Brad had pressured me to enter the field of administration which required minimal education. I was in my third year at the university, and he said I could quickly and easily finish an undergraduate business degree and then get a job in an office providing support.